Reason

A reason to start anew.

Two years ago or maybe more, I don't even save that date in my mind.
I had a huge change in my life.
It feels like it is all shattered.
My dreams.
Not like that I like my current situation at that moment but it is getting even worse.
I was kinda lost.

My parent got divorce.
Not in a proper way.
I'm being the eldest, being questioned by the relatives.
Could you imagine how I feel?

Actually, I am so confused at that time.
There is too many feelings that I feel.
It makes me feel numb.
I feel nothing.
At that moment.
I don't feel sad nor happy.
I feel nothing.

I even question myself,

"Why do I have no feeling at all?"

People also questioned me the same thing. Like why didn't I do anything? Why do I do nothing?

It's kinda suffocating.

Maybe because I've seen it coming that I've already prepared for this?
I just think of how am I going to live after that. My siblings. How do I manage them?

Things getting worse when that happened, I am in my final year of studying. You gotta know final year is quite hectic, costly, time demanding. Yeah, eventually things get quite tensed. I had few resource, I had no one to be depended on.

And that, is the start of I met Him. Often. Than. Before.

When all THAT happened, I really am lost. Like drowning. When you're drowning, you're desperate for something for you to hold to. It get suffocating when the water start getting all over you. Slowly and slowly.

You feel so mad that you have nothing to hold.
You feel your life is on the edge.
You feel helpless.
You feel mad.

You shout for help but your voice won't just come out. It just won't. There are so many people there yet they can't see you drowning, they can't hear you seeking, yelping for help.

Yes, it is like drowning.
What I feel at that moment.
It is not that there is no one at that moment that I couldn't run for help.
But, I just trust nobody back then.
I feel everyone is the same.
Everyone is struggling with their very own struggle.
I don't believe in sharing my problems would lessen it either way.

And that is when I have no opt but to only rely on Him.

Years gone, and now I found that is such a beauty. If all of that didn't happened, I wouldn't be as totally relying on Him like I am doing now. It is not that I've reach that 'saint' or whatever level you called it. But, I learned that He is the ONLY one that I could count to. The one that I could ONLY TRULY TRUST in.

The journey ain't sweet nor it is romantic. It is fill with thorns, a lot of bleeding, heartache and all hurtful stuff you could name it. But, along the journey you could also feel the sweetness of it. Knowing all this is leading to the forever end. The reason you're here.

I may have yet a long journey to go. Maybe another 40 years? 20? 10? 1 day? a minute left? I don't know. Trying my best aren't still the best. Being weak is okay. But you still need to pull up yourself, gather the courage and wake up.

Life is hard. He did say in the Quran that we, the homosapiens, the human are made to be in hardship. And He will see who's between all of us is worthy of Him.

So let us prove to Him that we are worthy. Let embrace the tests He has and will give to us.
The more tests you're given.
The higher the level.
The more you get, the more you'll achieved.

Let us seek His love.
He does love you, He loves me and He loves everyone that ever existed in this whole galaxy.

You just gotta trust Him.
For because of the love He has for us, He wants us to learn to be stronger and stronger.

Be stronger.

You're born with it.
You have that strength within you.
Trust Him and most importantly, trust yourself.

Got a life to run! xoxo!

Do you still love me?

Assalamualaikum.

"Allah sayang nana lagi ke?"
"Kenapa Allah uji nana macam ni sekali?"
"Kenapa tak makbulkan doa nana?"
"Berapa lama lagi keadaan ni nak stay macam ni?"

Well, that's the young me questioning everything. Astaghfirullah, bila ingat balik rasa macam nak hempuk kepala tu. Tapi tak boleh salahkan dia juga. Dia masih muda. Masih mencari, yang version sekarang ni pun masih mencari. Mencari tujuan hidup. Not there yet, but reaching it.

You know, the fact that I'm studying in science scope somehow worsen the situation. Sebab tengok atau fikir dari perspective yang salah mungkin? Suka sangat mempersoalkan everything sampai terkadang tu mula meragui semuanya. Ya. Pernah lalui fasa itu. Bila ingat balik, rasa menakutkan. Macam mana boleh ada thoughts macam tu?

Contoh ada ayat yang cakap Allah itu ada dimana-mana, disemua tempat, dekat dengan kita. Kita? Kita tu means semua hamba ciptaan Allah la kan? So literally Allah ada di sisi semua hambaNya. Tapi Allah ada satu je? Dalam surah Al-Ikhlas mention kulhuallah hu ahad. Ahad. Satu.  Allah itu satu. So macam mana Allah boleh ada dekat dengan semua hambaNya?

I was getting into that questioning for quite some time. Sebab logik kita takkan mampu capai untuk memikirkan tentang kekuasaan Allah. Faham tak young me? And then I found some talk saying kita takkan mampu fikirkannya, ia melampaui batas akal kita. Dalam Al-Quran, awal surah Al-Baqarah ada cakap kalau Allah state macam tu, then it is what is is. Jangan persoalkan, ada sebab disebalik semua yang Allah katakan, sampaikan, tegah, galakkan. Ada sebabnya. A beautiful one.

Lepastu ada a talk I've listened years ago. Can't remember who gave it, it is on internet.
Kan kita faham cycle sebelum kita ada parent kita, sebelum parent kita ada grandparent kita, sebelum grandparent ada great grandparent kita and the cycle goes on. So, terfikir sebelum Allah ada siapa? TAK ADA SESIAPA ya. Allah tiada ibu bapa mahupun anak-anak. Seperti yang tertulis dalam surah Al-Ikhlas juga.

Sebab tu speech tu cakap Allah tu bukan dalam ruangan masa kita. He is out of the time zone. Untuk dicipta, semua kan memerlukan masa. Menggunakan masa. Nak cipta patung, kita ambil masa cipta patung tu. Siapa cipta patung tu? Orang. Siapa cipta orang tu? Umm. Untuk seorang bayi lahir, ambil masa 9 bulan 10 hari sebelum dia lahir. Macam mana kejadian bayi terjadi? Hubungan antara suami isteri. Macam mana proses tu lead pada terbentuknya zygote, embryo, foetus tu? Siapa buat? Umm. There must be a power Greater than all this kan?

Kalau tengok semua ciptaan manusia, semua ada kekangan masa. Terhalang oleh masa. Mengambil masa untuk siapkan sesuatu. Everyone mengejar masa, kejar deadline. Everyone tak boleh kawal masa. Nak time-travel ke getting back the lost time ke, tak ada siapa mampu buat (dalam television tu fiction semata). Siapa cipta masa? Someone Great. Allah. Jadi, Allah tu bukan dalam ruangan masa untuk kita fikirkan logik macam mana Dia cipta something something macam tu je. Tapi dulu selalu je fikir macam tak logik la boleh cipta something macam tu je kan? Ha sebab cerita dia memang tak boleh fikir secara logik la, logik kita ni tak tercapai, tak mampu capai the idea of Him.

Faham tak diri yang muda dulu tu dia punya overthinking tu berbahaya sebenarnya? Sangat.

I am an imaginative person. So I had imagine that we, the earth, the whole galaxy wrapped in time like in a bubble. And then Allah is outside that zone watching us in His unimaginable form. I do imagine Him like the light scattered all over places, everywhere that He could be with everyone. I have imagined it as simple as my mind can pursuit and I made it as simple as possible sebab tak nak minda ni terlebih fikir kang jadi gila pulak. I made it up since the whispering is getting too loud. The questioning. Coming up with that idea had slowly shutting all those whispers. Slowly, I learned to accept that it is what it is. Just have trust in Him.

I said 'slowly' as in a very slow motion like it take years for me to master this kind of thinking. And a lot of trial and tribulation of course!

Those calamities that fall upon me was like one after another. It came over and over again.
Because I look at it as a calamities, as a punishment.
I look at it in the wrong directions until I don't know when that He blossom the idea in my mind. Through many ways like talks I've accidentally heard, friends I've met, I've thinking of setting up my mind.

"Na, look at all this as a blessing in disguise."

"Look carefully na", I said to myself.

And since then, because maybe I have been bored of the situation I'm having, that it lead to this. I started to see things differently. Rather than questioning,

"Kenapa kau je yang kena?", I shifted it to "Kenapa bukan aku? Kalau bukan aku yang diuji, siapa lagi yang mampu?"

It sound like berlagak pun ada sometimes hahahaha but I don't care la it works kot hmm hmm.

Instead of,

"Allah tak sayang nana lagi ke?" to "Allah sayang sangat ni sebab tu bagi test ni, mesti nak bagi something ni alright fighting na! Don't give in to this!"

"Allah tak makbulkan doa nana ke?" to "Allah got something better than this for me, nana belum sedia lagi ni nak miliki impian tu sebab tu kena lalui beberapa phase lagi so that when the moments come I'll get fully prepared, yeah!"

"Berapa lama lagi keadaan nak stay macam ni?" to "Nana kena buat something to change this, biarlah small baby steps sekalipun, it is worth the try!"

You know, actually it is all about being postive. How it turn my life now, subhanallah I never thought I could be like this.

Being able to avoid drama (it is hard).
Being able to avoid negativity (I opt for backing off for some people is really irrational).
Being wiser than the young me. Not that I'm a lot wiser than anyone but I do know I'm a lot better than the young me.

I am not saying I'm all good now. That my faith has reach infinity, no. I'm still struggling. With a lot of personal issues. I fight a lot with the demon in me.

It is quite an achievement for me when I don't quite care what others been up to, having to compare my life with others, competing with others. I don't do that these days. Wow, I feel quite grown up hahaha.

Instead of being jealous, I tried to make my mind to just feel happy and pray for those people I'd admire of their success. Even if they're stranger. It feels good to pray for others. You should try too. Without them knowing you're praying for them. Things between you and Him, anything, if you want to keep it special, just, keep it between you and Him. See the difference.

I've always been scared of the idea of people thinking that I'm like a saint. Like I'm a good girl. It is scary. It felt like a huge responsibilities that I'm afraid to bear. Because I am no good girl. I have my bad days too and I still have it. I just don't show it off. But, knowing that He wanted me to show good attitude that reflect my religion, I've slowly accepting when people compliment me with those beautiful words and simply be grateful. Alhamdulillah. Not letting myself getting too immersed in the 'world', I've always remind myself that Allah put me in this situation, He took care of my 'aib' and so I should be grateful to Him. And only Him. For if it is wasn't for Him, I won't have this honor of being here.

So, it is okay for people to think good of you.
Say thank you, smile and pray for the same for them.
For each words, compliments we received is a dua'.
We never knew whose dua' has the ability to reach Him while He does reach for everyone.

And inshaallah someday, I'll be better and keep improving than my current me. Inshaallah by Allah wills and by my own efforts too.

So, if I'm saying,

"Masih sayang ke Allah dekat aku?"

I will answer it with "Yes.".

Dia bawa aku melalui jalan ini, dan Dia juga bawa aku keluar dari kegelapan ini.
Walaupun kadang tak mengerti apa semua ini, mengapa dan kemana arah patut aku tuju?
Percaya.
Percayakan Dia.
25 tahun hidup mengajar aku untuk just percayakan Dia.
Walaupun, even if it seems impossible, crazy, Dia boleh buat semua tu jadi possible.
Tak crazy pun sebenarnya.
Kau tu je overthinking na hailah.

Dan hakikat yang Dia beri keizinan untuk aku menulis tentangNya, berfikir tentangNya.
Itu pun cukup membuktikan yang Dia sayangkan aku.
Lagi Dia uji, lagi aku rasa terharu yang tak dapat digambarkan dengan perkataan.
Sayangnya Dia pada aku walhal aku ni kalau nak dibandingkan dengan yang lain.
Bukan siapa-siapa.
Tapi aku belajar, Dia cakap Dia sayang semua hambanya.
Dia buat semua hamba, makhlukNya tu istimewa dengan cara tersendiri.
Jadi, aku tahu aku special so aku just embrace the moments.

Not gonna denying all this.
But I love you too Allah.
Thank you for this life.
Those feeling I'm having.
Those happiness.
Those pain I've endured.
Thank you for keep reminding me that this world is temporary, sementara.
Thank you for reminding me that I'm just a traveller here.

I may not be able YET to contribute more, I'll learn how.
You know what, Allah loves us.
That's it.

Trust in Him, okay?
And you'll feel His love embracing you gracefully.

Till next time, xoxo!

Once, I am a teacher.

Assalamualaikum!

Harini rasa nak bercerita pengalaman jadi teacher dekat salah satu tadika di Kuala Lumpur la. Tiba-tiba je kan? Biasa la, dalam hidup ni semua benda memang terjadi secara tiba-tiba. Hehe. Happened early in 2018. Rasanya dalam awal february macam tu. I quit my job as quality control executive (on other post nanti kita cerita pengalaman jadi QC pulak hehe) and a week after that dapat offer as teacher. Alhamdulillah. Masa tu memang tak nak menganggur lama so grab apa yang ada je. Sis bukan memilih orangnya (konon) hahahaha.

Long story short, terus start kerja. I do have many younger sibling so macam quite okay je dengan budak-budak. Takde lah allergic tapi handle siblings dengan anak orang lain tu sangat berbeza ya. Macam nak kawal tu ya ampun rasa macam,

"Boleh ke marah ni?"
"Boleh ke jerit kat anak-anak ni?"
"Macam mana nak dapat attention ni? Nak kena jadi singa ke?"

Jadi for the first 3 months tu agak struggle but then for the next 6 months ya! I've become their favourite teacher. Uhuh. Believe it or not senang je sebenarnya cuma sabar tu kena ada.

Everytime nak mengajar, I put myself as a student. How would I want to be treated? And of course dengan penuh kasih sayang. Haha. Tapi marah dan tegas tu PERLU barulah your anak-anak menjadi insan yang berdisiplin lagi bersopan santun serta menghormati orang lain. Gituh!

At first, kenal nama mereka. Slow talk. Jangan paksa. Kalau tak nak makan pun biarkan dulu (tak bererti tak bagi makan terus ya hahahaha kejam sangat tu). Slow slow try suap kat mereka. Selalunya ugut jela cakap,

"Nak balik tak? Kalau nak balik kena makan dulu tau.."
"Teacher call ummi cakap tak payah ambil la kalau tak makan ni.."

It works every single time!
Memanglah mereka akan balik jugak tapi kids kan tak tahu, dia percaya je teacher ada kuasa veto hehe. Then bila mereka dah merasai nikmat makan di tadika, slowly they'll adapt dan makan juga bersama-sama rakan yang lain. Tak perlu marah-marah, teach them wisely. Selalunya yang patut dimarah ni yang terlalu aktif, nakal dan membahayakan diri serta anak-anak yang lain. Kes macam ni kena marah sampai nangis lepastu bagi dia muhasabah diri. Kalau dia tantrum, biarkan sampai dia tenang. Tak boleh selalu sangat pujuk sebab kids dia akan dapat mindset yang,

"Oh, kalau aku tantrum, mengamuk, aku boleh dapat apa je aku nak."

Dan mereka akan berdrama lagi pada masa hadapan. Serious talk. So biarkan je dia tantrum, biar mereka belajar yang tak semua dalam dunia ni kita boleh dapat. Tak semua benda kita boleh buat (iaitu perkara tak menyenangkan di mata orang lain). Haaa, macam tu. Memang agak membingitkan telinga dan memeningkan kepala tapi sememangnya itu cara terbaik untuk mengajar mereka. Biar pening kepala sekali daripada pening berkali-kali kan? Buat macam ni, biarkan anak-anak dengan tantrumnya sampai mereka sendiri bosan dan penat nak berdrama hahahaha. Lepastu give up dan mereka akan dah tak nak berdrama. Okay, drama still ada tapi kuranglah. Tapi jangan lupa counterback, pujuk semula selepas mereka tenang daripada tantrum. Masa selepas tantrum, mereka lebih terbuka untuk berfikir. Kebiasaannya begitu. Beritahu mereka kenapa mereka tak boleh buat demikian demikian, kenapa tak boleh beli mainan sekian sekian. Bercerita dengan mereka. Mereka takkan faham selagi kita tak jelaskan. Sama la macam isteri yang merajuk dengan suami, suami takkan tahu kenapa kalau si isteri tak bagitahu sebabnya. Lebih kurang macam tu lah konsepnya.

Itu tips harini. Hahaha. Alahai rindu dekat anak-anak. Setahun lebih jadi teacher then berhenti atas sebab peribadi (cliche hahaha).

Sis la teacher yang paling disayangi tau (oleh anak-anak kelas sendiri dan beberapa anak kelas orang lain hehe). Tak tahu la mungkin sebab diri sendiri still keanak-anakan atau awet muda eh perasan haha tapi satu jela dengan anak-anak ni kita pun kena jadi budak-budak. Kena suka sakat mereka, saja buat-buat kurang pandai supaya mereka boleh betulkan silap kita. Kena cuba dalami dunia mereka. Selalu menyakat tu sis la sampai anak-anak pun suka sakat sis. Tiba-tiba rasa macam rakan sebaya dengan mereka hahaha.

Anak-anak itu manusia sama macam kita. Kena ingat tu. Mereka pun ada perasaan dan hati. Mereka memang kecil, namun bukan bererti mereka tak berfikir seperti kita. Ada yang wiser dari kita yang dewasa ni tau! Oleh sebab itu, macam mana kita layan bergurau senda dengan kawan-kawan yang sebaya dengan kita, macam tu jugalah kita kena layan anak-anak. Cuma penggunaan kosa kata dan topik itu sahaja sedikit berbeza.

Anak-anak kecil ni boleh fikir. Siapa yang betul ikhlas nak berkawan dengan mereka, siapa yang tak. Sebab itulah kita sebelum nak dekatkan diri, nak approach mereka kena set balik niat tu. Lepastu sama macam kita, kita nak kawan yang boleh mendengar cerita dari kita ataupun kawan yang tak kisah pun nak dengar apa yang kita nak ceritakan? Mestilah nak kawan dengan orang yang nak dengar cerita kita kan?

Haaaa, sama la macam anak-anak ni. Mereka ni fasa suka bercerita, percayalah, banyak sangat perkara yang mereka curious dan excited nak cerita. Walaupun dah berkali-kali cerita, tetap nak cerita lagi. Jadi, sebagai teacher ataupun sesiapa lah, jadi pendengar yang baik. Macam tu lah nak tackle hati mereka. Beri perhatian.

"Tapi macam mana nak beri perhatian kalau ramai anak-anak, pelajar? Tak ke tak terlayan tu?"

Betul. Ini adalah struggle yang sis hadapi awal-awal. Macam rasa bersalah pun ada sebab tak dapat nak layan semua. Semua nak bercerita walhal cerita yang sama berulang kali. Tahu apa yang sis buat? Nak bagi adil, sis jawap semuanya sekali tetapi cut cut la conversation tu. Contoh ayat yang selalu sis guna:

"Oh yke, lepastu?"

then bagi dia cakap kejap, lepastu cut...

"Kejap tau qisya, ni danisha nak cerita, teacher dengar dia kejap tau.."

then dengar cerita danisha pula lepastu cut..

Ulang lah proses tu. Kita bukan tak nak mendengar cerita tapi kita bagitahu mereka yang rakan lain juga nak bercerita. Bagi rakan lain peluang. Disini juga kita mintak izin dulu supaya mereka tahu kita ada orang lain yang perlu kita perdengarkan ceritanya.

Proses ni berulang. Dalam masa yang sama tahu tak kita dah mengajar anak-anak ni untuk hormat rakan mereka, bertolak-ansur ambil giliran bercerita dengan rakan-rakan. Kadang-kadang tu ada yang backup cakap,

"Tadi kan qisya dah cerita, bagilah alisya cerita pulak.."

Haa pulak, dekat sini mungkin qisya tu dah rasa macam tak best. Rasa bersalah. Jangan kita biarkan keadaan ni macam tu je. Counterback balik, cakap dengan qisya,

"Qisya, bagi kawan lain cerita dulu. Nanti teacher dengar cerita qisya pula. Okay? Qisya good girl kan?"

Dan ya, qisya mengiyakan. Tak perlu marah pun, cakap elok-elok. Anak -anak ni pun macam kita juga suka ditegur secara baik. Mana ada manusia yang suka disergah bila buat salah kan? Dan ini jugalah antara sebab anak-anak akan lebih sayangkan kita. Walaupun pernah dimarah, ditegur, tetap juga dia cari teacher tu. Sebab apa? Sebab kita dah terapkan awal-awal yang teacher marah sebab sayang. Teacher nak mereka jadi orang yang hebat, sebab itu lah teacher tegur. Supaya jadi good boy, good girl. Ummi baba sayang. Haa, gitu mainan psikologinya.

Ceritakan dekat anak-anak ini kenapa, mengapa, bagaimana. Barulah mereka faham. Kalau kita tegah itu ini tak boleh dan tak beritahu the reason behind, macam mana lah tak terjadinya salah faham. Huhuhu. Dengan anak-anak ni dah serupa bercinta pun ada.

Oh, ada seorang anak sis yang betul-betul attached dengan sis sampai tak bagi sis kahwin. Sayangnya tu sampai tak nak bagi anak-anak lelaki yang lain terutamanya dekat dengan sis. Attached sangat-sangat. Adam Aqil namanya. Rindu pada yang seorang tu. Next post inshaallah cerita tentang Adam pula. Huhu.

Okay, itu je perkongsian untuk harini. Selamat berpuasa, till next time inshaallah! xoxo!