Reason

A reason to start anew.

Two years ago or maybe more, I don't even save that date in my mind.
I had a huge change in my life.
It feels like it is all shattered.
My dreams.
Not like that I like my current situation at that moment but it is getting even worse.
I was kinda lost.

My parent got divorce.
Not in a proper way.
I'm being the eldest, being questioned by the relatives.
Could you imagine how I feel?

Actually, I am so confused at that time.
There is too many feelings that I feel.
It makes me feel numb.
I feel nothing.
At that moment.
I don't feel sad nor happy.
I feel nothing.

I even question myself,

"Why do I have no feeling at all?"

People also questioned me the same thing. Like why didn't I do anything? Why do I do nothing?

It's kinda suffocating.

Maybe because I've seen it coming that I've already prepared for this?
I just think of how am I going to live after that. My siblings. How do I manage them?

Things getting worse when that happened, I am in my final year of studying. You gotta know final year is quite hectic, costly, time demanding. Yeah, eventually things get quite tensed. I had few resource, I had no one to be depended on.

And that, is the start of I met Him. Often. Than. Before.

When all THAT happened, I really am lost. Like drowning. When you're drowning, you're desperate for something for you to hold to. It get suffocating when the water start getting all over you. Slowly and slowly.

You feel so mad that you have nothing to hold.
You feel your life is on the edge.
You feel helpless.
You feel mad.

You shout for help but your voice won't just come out. It just won't. There are so many people there yet they can't see you drowning, they can't hear you seeking, yelping for help.

Yes, it is like drowning.
What I feel at that moment.
It is not that there is no one at that moment that I couldn't run for help.
But, I just trust nobody back then.
I feel everyone is the same.
Everyone is struggling with their very own struggle.
I don't believe in sharing my problems would lessen it either way.

And that is when I have no opt but to only rely on Him.

Years gone, and now I found that is such a beauty. If all of that didn't happened, I wouldn't be as totally relying on Him like I am doing now. It is not that I've reach that 'saint' or whatever level you called it. But, I learned that He is the ONLY one that I could count to. The one that I could ONLY TRULY TRUST in.

The journey ain't sweet nor it is romantic. It is fill with thorns, a lot of bleeding, heartache and all hurtful stuff you could name it. But, along the journey you could also feel the sweetness of it. Knowing all this is leading to the forever end. The reason you're here.

I may have yet a long journey to go. Maybe another 40 years? 20? 10? 1 day? a minute left? I don't know. Trying my best aren't still the best. Being weak is okay. But you still need to pull up yourself, gather the courage and wake up.

Life is hard. He did say in the Quran that we, the homosapiens, the human are made to be in hardship. And He will see who's between all of us is worthy of Him.

So let us prove to Him that we are worthy. Let embrace the tests He has and will give to us.
The more tests you're given.
The higher the level.
The more you get, the more you'll achieved.

Let us seek His love.
He does love you, He loves me and He loves everyone that ever existed in this whole galaxy.

You just gotta trust Him.
For because of the love He has for us, He wants us to learn to be stronger and stronger.

Be stronger.

You're born with it.
You have that strength within you.
Trust Him and most importantly, trust yourself.

Got a life to run! xoxo!