Assalamualaikum.
"Allah sayang nana lagi ke?"
"Kenapa Allah uji nana macam ni sekali?"
"Kenapa tak makbulkan doa nana?"
"Berapa lama lagi keadaan ni nak stay macam ni?"
Well, that's the young me questioning everything. Astaghfirullah, bila ingat balik rasa macam nak hempuk kepala tu. Tapi tak boleh salahkan dia juga. Dia masih muda. Masih mencari, yang version sekarang ni pun masih mencari. Mencari tujuan hidup. Not there yet, but reaching it.
You know, the fact that I'm studying in science scope somehow worsen the situation. Sebab tengok atau fikir dari perspective yang salah mungkin? Suka sangat mempersoalkan everything sampai terkadang tu mula meragui semuanya. Ya. Pernah lalui fasa itu. Bila ingat balik, rasa menakutkan. Macam mana boleh ada thoughts macam tu?
Contoh ada ayat yang cakap Allah itu ada dimana-mana, disemua tempat, dekat dengan kita. Kita? Kita tu means semua hamba ciptaan Allah la kan? So literally Allah ada di sisi semua hambaNya. Tapi Allah ada satu je? Dalam surah Al-Ikhlas mention kulhuallah hu ahad. Ahad. Satu. Allah itu satu. So macam mana Allah boleh ada dekat dengan semua hambaNya?
I was getting into that questioning for quite some time. Sebab logik kita takkan mampu capai untuk memikirkan tentang kekuasaan Allah. Faham tak young me? And then I found some talk saying kita takkan mampu fikirkannya, ia melampaui batas akal kita. Dalam Al-Quran, awal surah Al-Baqarah ada cakap kalau Allah state macam tu, then it is what is is. Jangan persoalkan, ada sebab disebalik semua yang Allah katakan, sampaikan, tegah, galakkan. Ada sebabnya. A beautiful one.
Lepastu ada a talk I've listened years ago. Can't remember who gave it, it is on internet.
Kan kita faham cycle sebelum kita ada parent kita, sebelum parent kita ada grandparent kita, sebelum grandparent ada great grandparent kita and the cycle goes on. So, terfikir sebelum Allah ada siapa? TAK ADA SESIAPA ya. Allah tiada ibu bapa mahupun anak-anak. Seperti yang tertulis dalam surah Al-Ikhlas juga.
Sebab tu speech tu cakap Allah tu bukan dalam ruangan masa kita. He is out of the time zone. Untuk dicipta, semua kan memerlukan masa. Menggunakan masa. Nak cipta patung, kita ambil masa cipta patung tu. Siapa cipta patung tu? Orang. Siapa cipta orang tu? Umm. Untuk seorang bayi lahir, ambil masa 9 bulan 10 hari sebelum dia lahir. Macam mana kejadian bayi terjadi? Hubungan antara suami isteri. Macam mana proses tu lead pada terbentuknya zygote, embryo, foetus tu? Siapa buat? Umm. There must be a power Greater than all this kan?
Kalau tengok semua ciptaan manusia, semua ada kekangan masa. Terhalang oleh masa. Mengambil masa untuk siapkan sesuatu. Everyone mengejar masa, kejar deadline. Everyone tak boleh kawal masa. Nak time-travel ke getting back the lost time ke, tak ada siapa mampu buat (dalam television tu fiction semata). Siapa cipta masa? Someone Great. Allah. Jadi, Allah tu bukan dalam ruangan masa untuk kita fikirkan logik macam mana Dia cipta something something macam tu je. Tapi dulu selalu je fikir macam tak logik la boleh cipta something macam tu je kan? Ha sebab cerita dia memang tak boleh fikir secara logik la, logik kita ni tak tercapai, tak mampu capai the idea of Him.
Faham tak diri yang muda dulu tu dia punya overthinking tu berbahaya sebenarnya? Sangat.
I am an imaginative person. So I had imagine that we, the earth, the whole galaxy wrapped in time like in a bubble. And then Allah is outside that zone watching us in His unimaginable form. I do imagine Him like the light scattered all over places, everywhere that He could be with everyone. I have imagined it as simple as my mind can pursuit and I made it as simple as possible sebab tak nak minda ni terlebih fikir kang jadi gila pulak. I made it up since the whispering is getting too loud. The questioning. Coming up with that idea had slowly shutting all those whispers. Slowly, I learned to accept that it is what it is. Just have trust in Him.
I said 'slowly' as in a very slow motion like it take years for me to master this kind of thinking. And a lot of trial and tribulation of course!
Those calamities that fall upon me was like one after another. It came over and over again.
Because I look at it as a calamities, as a punishment.
I look at it in the wrong directions until I don't know when that He blossom the idea in my mind. Through many ways like talks I've accidentally heard, friends I've met, I've thinking of setting up my mind.
"Na, look at all this as a blessing in disguise."
"Look carefully na", I said to myself.
And since then, because maybe I have been bored of the situation I'm having, that it lead to this. I started to see things differently. Rather than questioning,
"Kenapa kau je yang kena?", I shifted it to "Kenapa bukan aku? Kalau bukan aku yang diuji, siapa lagi yang mampu?"
It sound like berlagak pun ada sometimes hahahaha but I don't care la it works kot hmm hmm.
Instead of,
"Allah tak sayang nana lagi ke?" to "Allah sayang sangat ni sebab tu bagi test ni, mesti nak bagi something ni alright fighting na! Don't give in to this!"
"Allah tak makbulkan doa nana ke?" to "Allah got something better than this for me, nana belum sedia lagi ni nak miliki impian tu sebab tu kena lalui beberapa phase lagi so that when the moments come I'll get fully prepared, yeah!"
"Berapa lama lagi keadaan nak stay macam ni?" to "Nana kena buat something to change this, biarlah small baby steps sekalipun, it is worth the try!"
You know, actually it is all about being postive. How it turn my life now, subhanallah I never thought I could be like this.
Being able to avoid drama (it is hard).
Being able to avoid negativity (I opt for backing off for some people is really irrational).
Being wiser than the young me. Not that I'm a lot wiser than anyone but I do know I'm a lot better than the young me.
I am not saying I'm all good now. That my faith has reach infinity, no. I'm still struggling. With a lot of personal issues. I fight a lot with the demon in me.
It is quite an achievement for me when I don't quite care what others been up to, having to compare my life with others, competing with others. I don't do that these days. Wow, I feel quite grown up hahaha.
Instead of being jealous, I tried to make my mind to just feel happy and pray for those people I'd admire of their success. Even if they're stranger. It feels good to pray for others. You should try too. Without them knowing you're praying for them. Things between you and Him, anything, if you want to keep it special, just, keep it between you and Him. See the difference.
I've always been scared of the idea of people thinking that I'm like a saint. Like I'm a good girl. It is scary. It felt like a huge responsibilities that I'm afraid to bear. Because I am no good girl. I have my bad days too and I still have it. I just don't show it off. But, knowing that He wanted me to show good attitude that reflect my religion, I've slowly accepting when people compliment me with those beautiful words and simply be grateful. Alhamdulillah. Not letting myself getting too immersed in the 'world', I've always remind myself that Allah put me in this situation, He took care of my 'aib' and so I should be grateful to Him. And only Him. For if it is wasn't for Him, I won't have this honor of being here.
So, it is okay for people to think good of you.
Say thank you, smile and pray for the same for them.
For each words, compliments we received is a dua'.
We never knew whose dua' has the ability to reach Him while He does reach for everyone.
And inshaallah someday, I'll be better and keep improving than my current me. Inshaallah by Allah wills and by my own efforts too.
So, if I'm saying,
"Masih sayang ke Allah dekat aku?"
I will answer it with "Yes.".
Dia bawa aku melalui jalan ini, dan Dia juga bawa aku keluar dari kegelapan ini.
Walaupun kadang tak mengerti apa semua ini, mengapa dan kemana arah patut aku tuju?
Percaya.
Percayakan Dia.
25 tahun hidup mengajar aku untuk just percayakan Dia.
Walaupun, even if it seems impossible, crazy, Dia boleh buat semua tu jadi possible.
Tak crazy pun sebenarnya.
Kau tu je overthinking na hailah.
Dan hakikat yang Dia beri keizinan untuk aku menulis tentangNya, berfikir tentangNya.
Itu pun cukup membuktikan yang Dia sayangkan aku.
Lagi Dia uji, lagi aku rasa terharu yang tak dapat digambarkan dengan perkataan.
Sayangnya Dia pada aku walhal aku ni kalau nak dibandingkan dengan yang lain.
Bukan siapa-siapa.
Tapi aku belajar, Dia cakap Dia sayang semua hambanya.
Dia buat semua hamba, makhlukNya tu istimewa dengan cara tersendiri.
Jadi, aku tahu aku special so aku just embrace the moments.
Not gonna denying all this.
But I love you too Allah.
Thank you for this life.
Those feeling I'm having.
Those happiness.
Those pain I've endured.
Thank you for keep reminding me that this world is temporary, sementara.
Thank you for reminding me that I'm just a traveller here.
I may not be able YET to contribute more, I'll learn how.
You know what, Allah loves us.
That's it.
Trust in Him, okay?
And you'll feel His love embracing you gracefully.
Till next time, xoxo!
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