My happiness, yours? Mine?

"Have you got the news?" Aiden started talking after an hour of silence.

"Helloooooo.." He waved his right hand in front of Q's face and signaled to the airpods that Q's was wearing.

Q frowned and had a blank look on his face as if he did not understand a word of what has Aiden been saying.

Aiden signaled to the airpods, again. This guy in front of him, he never leaves his airpods. "Q the airpods" That is how he would describe his best-friend. They barely even talk whenever they hang out or doing the works together. But it still felt comfortable that way, strange.

"What is it?" Q asked while taking off his airpods.

"The news, have you got it?" Aiden repeated the question.

"What news?" Q had a puzzled face. There were a lot of things happening right now, with the Covid, the racism issues, the politics, the ustaz's issues and that one. So, which one?

Aiden sighed.

"You're making me anxious, what is it?" Q asked again. He dislike it when Aiden sighed for no reason.

"Bro, our semester been extended and we will have to stay at home until the end of the year. For God sake, online classes all year round. How can we survive that?!" Aiden talk his heart out, releasing his frustration while his hand grabbing onto Q's shoulder. Shaking him.

Q was shocked. He brushed away Aiden's hand, taboo, he did not like any physical contact. 

"That is it?" He asked. Aiden been acting weird lately. He has been, overreacting? Dramatic? Whatever you called it. He knows for sure that Aiden is an expressive person, a happy go lucky one, but, lately it seems off. He looks, like he was trying so hard, to be cheerful.

"Aid, you good?" Q asked, out of concern.

Aiden seems to be taken aback by the question, "I'm good, you good?" He asked back.

"I'm serious." Q had a serious look. He is known as the no-joke-at-all person. So, it did creeps Aiden out sometimes.

"Yeah, I'm good bro. Why?" He asked masking his emotion.

"Nothing." Q shake his head and put on his airpods back. He went back looking to his laptop, continuing his interrupted work.

Aiden smiled and went back on his reading too. Silence fill in between them, a peaceful one.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      * 

"I just want you to be happy."

"And I want you to be happy, too. You are not owned to make other people happy. Be happy first. You. Aid, I want you to be happy."

"You know I have no mean to burden you, I really want you to be happy."

"And my happiness is yours, it is yours all along. Guess happiness is subjective?"

"You really creeps me out. Where is Q? Give me back my normal Q." Aiden's eyes welled up with tears. He thoughts that he has managed to hide and masked it well. He never wanted to be a burden to anyone. Moreover, not to Q.

"It is nothing bro, it really is." Aiden try to talk to Q out of it.

"We may not have to talk about it if you are uncomfortable, but it is not nothing. I do not want to be that friend that will just hang out with you only when it is easy, I am here to stay. Come hell or high water." Q smiled while tapping on Aiden's shoulder.

"And I think we should stop bro, I am cringe myself." Q added.

Aiden burst out of laughter despite the tears. Flooding out. He wipes both of his cheeks with his bare hand. "I am sorry Q, never thought this would lead us to this. And, I never thought I would see this side of you." He smiled.

Q has always been cold. Expressionless. His face. None could figure what was he thinking whether he was just pacing or in deep thoughts.

"I am a human after all, let's go, see your dad." Q stand from the bench leading the way to the ward. Aiden followed his lead.

You know, one should only rely and expect from Him. Nonetheless, they will also, still, need the support and encouragement from the people around them. Aiden thoughts that he could handle things alone, not needing anyone and for that he would not be a burden. But little did he know that the people around him did not think it that way. Aiden is not a burden, he is their loved one. He is not a burden and so, he should try to open up with the people closest to him. Sharing his thoughts in life. Because they love him, Q loves him, although he appeared to be cold at times. Maybe Q too, need to adjust. He needs to maybe, smile more? and learn to express his thoughts too.

The cold gaze of Q, there is warm in it. He never really see it before. Q looked back as Aiden was not following him. Aiden was standing still, looking at him. He looked at him with that faint smile twisted his dark features and one brow arched quizzically. "What?" Q asked.

"Nothing." Aiden catches up with Q and they walked side to side to the ward.

This friendship, he hope it will last forever. He wish that they will grow old together, having their family and maybe their kids being friends with each other too. The thoughts of that, made him look even forward to living life. It felt like a huge weight was lifted from his chest.

Them both. What do you call this? Brotherhood?




Note: I did not know why am I writing this. The imagination just sparks when I saw two guys were fist bumps to each other that day and I was kinda feel, "That's cool!' Yeah I know, this mind never really stop thinking and imagining. But, that kind of friendship, I believe it does exist. It is cute! Really.

Swings.
It has always been my favourite plaything.

Hello Hi Assalamualaikum (:

Assalamualaikum, hello, hi (:

I was feeling a bit anxious this morning, until now. Honestly, I would not know why was it that I am feeling this anxious. You know, your heart just at times skips a beat or two. Been days actually, do I need to do the ECG test to examine whether maybe I had some heart disease or something?

And as if putting the salt to the wound, I had argued with the cockroaches! Argh how frustrating. I have already a few times cleaned and do all the clean up things but they have come back! Before this, it is that giant size and now it is their children kot? all those little cockroaches made me even anxious. Hmm. I have plan this evening, later after work I will go to the Village Grocer and buy than pandan leaves or maybe anything that could help me get rid of the cockroaches. Once and forever! I am so tired, I can't handle things creeping or untidy or messy place. Sound particular, am I? It is different when it is your own place, you feel a lot more being owned to the responsibility. Alright, done that, I don't even know what am I rambling about. Eheh.

Thus, I still feel anxious. Maybe I have sinned and still, a lot. That is the most logical explanation I have come with so far. What should I do? To calm this heart. It just feel uneasy that it made me mentally and physically tired. Help.

Dzikrullah and all, I know those stuff. Maybe, it is not enough. I don't know. Some things, you just feel uneasy without reason. It is not that I don't trust Him and His plan. Maybe, it is because I am just a human being. And, it is normal to feel this way?

At times, I feel stuck. You can't expect me to always have that positive thoughts and mindset, right? Maybe, this is one of my days. The days that I feel negatively embedded in life. Maybe? Maybe today is the day that I should just breathe easy, and maybe just doing that. Just for today.

Lend me some of your prayers, I need it. My heart needs it. This heavy feeling that I am feeling, may it fades away.

Under his spell

No.

I did not think that he fall under the good-looking-type. Am I being too frank? He is no way near to any of my checklist of soulmate-item. That is odd. To think of it, really. He is not likely to be the person that I have been searching for. 

Maybe, it is because he is pleasing to the eye. Neat, and he smells good too. I wonder what kind of perfume that he used. Because, I think it is likely to have cast a spell on me.

Maybe, it is the way that he styled his hair. I have grown adore of his hair, honestly I think I am weird. But, even when his hair is messy as in when he just woke up and straight goes to our video call routine, he looks fine to me. To be exact, adorable like a kitten. Those messy-after-woke-up-hair style reminds me of a kitten uhuh I know, it is getting weirder. I think I have been witched.

Maybe, it is his smile. Whenever he smile, it highlight the curve of his face. Chiseled face, he had a chiseled face. And those dimples deepened whenever he smile. As I was writing this, it seems like he is a good-looking type right? I am not sure myself. One thing that I am sure is that it felt like the time had stopped whenever I see his smile. Along with the fallen leaf that dance with the rhythm of the winds and the clear blue sky, he looks like a painting that I would hang on my room and stare at it all day long.

Maybe, it is his eyes that caught me off guarded. Those black brown eyes. It looks like the deep sea that I would voluntarily be engulf in it. Those eyes got me questioning of his time in this lifetime. I catch a glance of sadness in it that it draws me even nearer to him. I think I am enchanted by his eyes.

Maybe, it is the way that he talk. He did not talk much. He is more to the 'action speaks louder than words' kind of people. As in whenever we had our video call routine, we would not talk all the time. We would just minding over our own things with the screen acting as a bridge between us. He said let it be, let the screen on, just do our things and keeps going on our routine. 

"Just, let the screen going."

Maybe, that it is. Maybe it is the small yet seemingly sweet things that he do that made me feel like I am spellbound by him. Maybe, because words means nothing without action. And maybe his way of expressing his feeling, is the one that caught my heart.

Maybe, I was just under a spell. Just, maybe.

Note: I had this one written after replaying the "I love you" song and it somehow awaken those 'mood'. I may based on 'bintang', a bit. I might rewrite this back later on after I have find the reason (:

I do cherish the memory. 

Dreams

"You should release them now." a distinctive voice telling her , urging to do so.

As if she was spell-bounded, she looked down on her palms. There were a tadpole-like-creature in pea-size. There were several of it. They playfully circling on her palms. Instinctively, she draws them towards the sky and they flew away.

"They could fly?" she asked trying to find an answer to her confusion. No one answered, it is as if that question was meant for her own to answer.

Her eyes followed the traits of that creatures, that by then they abruptly turns into a gigantic dragons. The situation puzzled her more and more. Rather than feeling anxious, she was worried about them.

"Them? Why do I feel like they are dear to me?" questions keep surfacing in her mind.

Far from where she stood, she saw mankind. Like herself. Coming towards the cliff, facing the dragons. Her dragons.

"Are we, at war?"

She was sure that this is a dream, it does not make sense. Even the existence of dragons, does not make any sense. She convince herself that it was a dream yet she could not wake herself up.

The war. It is still ongoing and then the dragons returned to her side. Changing, again. This time they were in human form. Men in black suit. They were wounded and so she rush to meet a young lady that she believed was some sort of a healer.  She need to meet the lady and ask her to treat the dragons.

That young lady had a frizzy hair, a bit shorter than her. She called her, healer. Healer had a dissatisfied looks on her face.

"Why was that?" she thought to herself.

This dream she was in, it looks like the people or creature in here, looks up on her. No one called her name so she was unsure what was her role in here.

And with the memories of healer, she woke up with those details in her mind.

"This is weird."

It was passed a day after her encounter with the dragons that she was engulfed into another dream.

The clouds was in black ink, it was dark as night. She did not like the vibes she felt. It was then that she realized that she, and her companion, a man figure was running away from a black-slimy-creature. They were in a total black and a figure that as if they were stretchable. She was hoping side to side of a several tall bricks trying to meet to the end of it. It was alarmous. Her companion, that man, grab her to the surface of the bricks where the black creature could not climb on however it caught her left hand. Biting on it.

The pain was excruciating that she wakes up holding her hand, trying to contain the pain. It was then she realized that it was a dream, a nightmare. Her lips trembled and her eyes welled with tears puzzled with what was happening. She was not certain of where she was right now, because of the pain she felt. Dream and her reality got all messed up.

Days passed on, those dreams still vividly remains in her mind. She never had that weird dreams since then, only a few dreams that seems normal as she was thinking about things lately. But, those two, truly left her puzzle to date.

It felt like as if she was travelling to Narnia - Harry Potter - Merlin - How To Train Your Dragon all at once. Maybe she had too much Disney and fiction movies, she tries to reason.

I think it is caused by too much of daydreaming, it can't be real. Can it? 

Lunch

"1:02 petang."

Minn memandang hujung kanan skrin komputer. 

"Dah masuk waktu lunch ni. Hmm." dia menengadah ke langit menembusi dinding kaca. Waktu lunch. Waktu inilah yang entah kenapa terasa seperti dirinya perlu membuat keputusan antara hidup dan mati. Isu lunch sahaja. Memang sejak tadi organ perutnya meronta-ronta minta diisi. Memang dia lapar. Memang itulah kenyataannya. Dia. Lapar. Cuma itulah, dirinya sejak kebelakangan ini sangatlah terlebih rajin untuk makan. Hingga pernah muncul dalam fikirannya,

"Kenapalah kita ni tak hirup udara then terus kenyang je?" Dia sendiri tahu apa yang difikirkannya itu hundred percent mengarut namun the what if it can be game kuat bermain difikirannya. Haihh.

Teragak-agak untuk berganjak dari duduknya, Minn terus menyambar tas tangan yang sengaja diletak di hujung kerusi lalu terus melangkah menuju ke bilik konsultasi. Dia mengetuk pintu bilik yang berwarna coklat dengan rona seakan kayu dan memulas tombol pintu lalu kepalanya menjengah ke dalam ruangan itu, teragak-agak menuturkan kata, 

"Dr, saya keluar sekejap ya."

"Okay." ringkas jawapannya.

Entah kenapa, Minn sendiri masih tertanya-tanya mengapa dan kenapa skipping meals be so guilt-ridden. Untuk dirinya. Terasa seperti membuat jenayah.

"Salah ke eh kalau tak makan lunch?" Minn berfikir sendiri sambil langkahnya pantas menuju ke pintu lif.

"Hmm..tingkat 3, Tealive!" teruja sendirian, Minn dengan ini membuat konklusi bahawasanya Tealive adalah salah satu kebahagiaan untuk dirinya, di dunia ini. Kot?

"Akak nak coco smoothies with oreo cookies tambah pearl ya, dengan bang bang milk tea ni. Guna code ni tau, yang buy 1 free 1 tu." laju bibirnya menutur pesanannya. Pesanan biasa, awal dahulu pening berbelit lidah mahu memutuskan perasa kegemarannya. Sekarang? ala-ala alah bisa tegal biasa. Boleh ke guna perumpamaan ni?

Usai pesanannya tersedia, Minn meneruskan langkahnya menuju ke Watson. Entah, dia terasa mahu mengambil angin. Ada yang menyesakkan fikirannya. 

"Mai, nah!" Minn menghulurkan bang bang milk tea kepadanya. Mai hairan, seingatnya dia tidak ada memesan tealive ataupun ada sebarang perbualan dengan kakaknya mengenai tealive.

Seperti dapat membaca fikiran Mai, Minn menjawab, "Kakak beli buy 1 free 1 tadi, okay lah nak balik sambung kerja."

Mai mengangguk tanda faham lantas menyambut minuman itu, dia kemudiannya terus menyambung rutin kerjanya.

Minn sambil satu tangannya memegang tealive, dia terus melangkah pulang ke klinik. Fikirannya ligat memikirkan hal yang satu itu, cuba ditepis namun tetap datang menjengah. Geram!

Setibanya di klinik, Dr Raf juga turut tiba daripada tingkat atas nursery sambil membawa semangkuk makanan. 

"Awak keluar tadi tak pergi makan ke?" pantas soalan itu dituju kepada Minn.

Minn ligat memikirkan alasan, untuk menipu seperti kurang bijak dan tiada keperluan. Error. No connection. Mindanya blank. Haruu..

"Saya keluar pergi beli ini. Hehe." dia mengukir senyum janggal sambil jarinya diarah ke tealive yang baru diletak di atas meja.

"Oh, dekat atas ada nasi goreng seafood, makanlah." Dr Raf menyambung bicara.

"Apa dia?" Minn minta kepastian. 

"Nasi goreng seafood."

"Sempat ke ni?" soal Minn.

"Minn, jam baru 1:30 petang. Apa yang tak sempatnya?" Fikirnya sendiri namun soalan itu sudah jauh meluncur keluar sebelum mindanya selesai memproses fakta yang satu itu. Terasa, bijak.

"Sempat, pergilah makan."

Makanya, titah disahut dan Minn pun mengambil tealive yang baru dibelinya itu dan disimpan ke dalam peti sejuk lalu terus melangkah naik ke nursery. Kesudahannya, lunch hari itu juga dia akhirnya makan di nursery, sebagai pelengkap syarat.

"Terlampau kenyang, terlebih kuota ni!" Minn merungut. Bukanlah niatnya menidakkan rezeki namun dia tidak gemar dengan keadaan terlalu kenyang, namun, apakan daya dengan Dr Raf, sangat sukar untuk dia menuturkan perkataan "Tidak.", "Tak nak", "Tak mahu".

"Dr Raf ada some sort of spell that he cast on me ke apa ni?" mindanya mula berfikir yang entahapahapa.

Thinking of it, Minn rasa it's Him. Dia sendiri sedar dia selalu mengabaikan waktu makan, her meals was not in a proper schedule to be exact. Mengalahkan doktor. Jadi, adakah Dia hantar Dr Raf to keep reminding her to Eat. Her. Lunch and take a  good care of herself?  Dan Dia hadirkan rasa serba salah itu untuk memaksa dirinya ini makan lunch?

Dia tahu jasad ini cuma pinjaman, rohnya sahaja yang dia miliki. Silap. Roh ini pun bukan miliknya jua. Ini pinjaman sementara. Dan Minn sedar, dia menggalas tanggungjawab untuk menjaga rohani dan jasmani jasad yang dihuninya. Fakta yang satu ini, itu yang sebenarnya memaksa dia untuk makan lunch. Dia risau akan dirinya. Dia risau equal to Dia sayang. Minn tersenyum sendirian, 

"Sweetlah Allah ni." dia menuturkan kata. "Thank you, I love you too!"

Lunch? Masih akan menjadi satu isu. Hahaha. Namun, Minn akan tetap cuba. Stick to the proper eating schedule. Makan untuk dapatkan tenaga untuk terus beribadah pada-Nya. Sungguhlah tiap-tiap manusia ujiannya berlainan. Untuk Minn, makan adalah ujiannya. Haru!

My fav! Coco smoothies with oreo cookies added with pearl. 

This is where I'm not diligent in writing on paper, see that? Makin lama makin berangkai kalah tulisan doktor. 

Sayang

"Lain orang, lain love language."

"Ada yang open verbally."

"Ada yang implement action speaks louder than words."

"Yang datang dengan both package, action and words pun ada."

"Dan ada yang totally clueless verbally and practically. Because of upbringing, maybe? Boleh jadi memang betul-betul clueless, sungguhlah yang ini if they are truly important to you, show them how to love and they'll eventually learn from it." 

I wrote about this because someone asked me,

"Did Allah hate me? He hates me? Because seemingly now the people around me, I could feel the love is fading?"

"Aren't the love of others for us is the indication of Allah's love towards us?"

I was getting this question when I, myself, was questioning this too. One thing that I realized was that whenever I ponder about something, Allah mesti dan mesti akan hantar someone for me to comfort. Isunya pula adalah apa yang I pondered for quite some time. And while I'm comforting other people, the words that I uttered to them, is the words and the answer that I seek all this while. Kelakar kan? Jawapan untuk semua persoalan tu ada je selama ni dengan diri sendiri, dan bila ada yang datang bertanya, minta pandangan, baru kita sedar the answer dah ada all along. Hmm.

Jawapan masa tu,

Kasih sayang Allah tak correlate dengan kasih sayang manusia. Tak semestinya bila kita rasa manusia sekeliling kita tak sayang dekat kita, itu tanda Allah pun dah kurang sayang dekat kita. The fact that kita terfikir benda ni pun dah menunjukkan yang Allah is giving His attention to us. And kalau dalam kehidupan kita, normalnya kita tahu kan, kalau diberi perhatian itu maksudnya seseorang tu sayang dekat kita.

Rasa orang sekeliling dah tak sayang dekat kita? Boleh jadi, sebab Allah rindu. Maka dibiarkan orang sekeliling menyisih kita. Supaya kita berlari balik semula, dekat dengan Allah.  Boleh jadi Allah nak pupuk kesabaran kita. Nak bagi kita peluang untuk 'upgrade level'.

"Isn't He is the Most Merciful? Think of this way, He is watching you, waiting for you to come back."

Human are bound to make mistakes. Our dear one too. Maka, bersabarlah. Mungkin mereka sedang keliru, mungkin mereka lelah. Ada pelbagai kemungkinan dan hipotesis sebenarnya. Tetapi, membuat andaian tu berbahaya. First law of universe, ask, never assume. Tak pasti la first law ke law ke berapa, tapi itu common sense kan? Tak tahu, tanya.

And I would heavily highlight on loving yourself, first and foremost, and if Allah wills it, the love of others would add up on your already owned happiness.

Dan bersabarlah, sabar pun tanda sayang,

"Dan berilah khabar gembira kepada orang-orang yang bersabar, iaitu orang-orang yang apabila mereka ditimpa oleh sesuatu kesusahan, mereka berkata: Sesungguhnya kami adalah kepunyaan Allah dan kepada Allah jualah kami kembali. Mereka itulah orang-orang yang dilimpahi dengan berbagai-bagai kebaikan dari Tuhan mereka serta rahmat-Nya." petikan surah Al-Baqarah ayat 155 hingga 157.

Penuhkan hati dengan rasa sayang pada Allah, inshaAllah itu dah lebih daripada cukup. Hati tu, terkadang rasa kosong, rasa tak cukup, rasa sunyi, bukan sebab apa pun, sebab kita jauh dari Allah. Allah tak pernah jauh dari kita. Allah adalah sebagaimana sangkaan hamba-Nya pada-Nya.

Talk to Him. He is near. Nearer than our jugular veins.

He always left me feeling amaze of the words He inspired in me. Like, I didn't know that I know this much until that moment happens. 

Coffee

"Life is like a cup of coffee or tea. No matter how bitter it may be, it is always enjoyable."

One would acknowledge that Minn and coffee cannot be put in one sentence, which I just did. Their relationship is quite complicated. Coffee had that addictive yet magical vibes towards Minn. So, Minn had an addiction towards it. If only the story ended there, but, addiction, it had great consequences that followed. Although the love for coffee is the type that you would be to the moon and back , Minn realized that it is slowly consuming herself. In a dreadful way. She took a step back and one would say, it was not an easy one. She contemplated a lot. 

Coffee. At times, Minn does go to visit it. That bittersweet connection. It never really ended, did it?

"Why do we always run to the things that eventually we know, it'll hurt us?"

"Why do the things we adore seemingly is not the best for us?"

"But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not." Al-Baqarah verse 216

I like coffee though, but, same, it's complicated. 

Writing

It is sunny in here as she is looking towards the glasses wall. At times the sun greet her with a soft touch of its rays. It felt warm.

There is this dying tree in front of her. It has its leaves all covered in golden brown. It is dying, yet beautiful, the view that she had. How can dying be beautiful? And then, there he is. Always walking passed her place, she wonder which unit is he in?

Tall figure, fair skin and glasses. He would fit to be her next muse for her writing, she thought to herself. But that, would be in the next writing, maybe. Maybe not. Just see how it goes later on.

Writing. She is not sure when does it started. Is it maybe it started because she feel like her voice was not heard? Or she was not sure on how to express her feeling verbally? Or maybe it started because writing is easier than voicing things out? Else, maybe because she learned about herself better through writing?

Whichever the reasons is, writing somehow, she discovered that it helps to silence her buzzing minds and soothes her tired heart. It helps her to calm the demon inside and writing, that "why" should stay that way. She write because she care for herself. And let that stay.

It helps her to recognize her true feelings, to describe the things that has been going on in her mind. It helps her to paint her feelings until it is describable in words. And seemingly, it turns out pretty well. She get to know herself better. What she likes and dislikes, how is she really is in person, how she act in person in different circle. She learned to identify those little details and traits whenever she write her confusion. She could see better through her writing than just looking by the mere eyes. Most importantly, she learned to love herself and know her worth.

She smiled while writing this. To see herself this way, she is becoming more and more to a person that she needed while she was younger. Good job myself uhuh, tapping on her shoulder giving herself encouragement. She also learned through writing that, she is her number one supporter. Of all people, she is. And He is, too.

Writing at times makes her observe people more, urging her to dive deep into someone mind. If she could, she would. There is always a hidden sadness in everyone's eyes. That is bothering her at times. Learning it, she know it is needed. That sadness, for if one does not own any of it, they would not know how to recognize or feel happiness.

Would not know where this is going to but, writing is a blessing, for her. A blessing that she wish to own for a lifetime.

I wish so, I wish to learn more about myself and fall for myself even more with time.

It always left me feeling emotional whenever I type things back. Writing and typing, it has a different vibes. I'd prefer writing over the paper, the crease felt, how the pen runs into it. It's a weird pleasure. 

Sky and Fallen Leaf

Her POV.

Fallen leaf reminds me of you. Especially that golden one, you said that it felt like autumn whenever they fall. You've always get head over heels over those fallen leaf, saying that it is fine for not having snow in here. As long as there's a fallen leaf. Seemingly, you'd prefer autumn over winter. 

Witnessing your obsession over fallen leaf, over years, and you laughed at me for obsessing over the sky?

Fallen leaf dancing with the winds. Some wanders to the sky and some, settle down on earth. That's what you said. I ponder on that, for quite some time to actually fathom it. You showed me that even those fallen leaf that has been grounded on earth for some time, could still wakes and play with the winds. They could even wander to the sky, again.

We both watched that, that day. Those leaf swirling and dancing with the winds, at that hidden corner we used to pass by whenever we walk along the pavement. I was amaze, to be honest. In that hidden corner, there's actually a winds? And you said,

"Everything is possible."

With that sneaky smile, and starry eyes, you looked at those fallen leaf with admiration, or should I say, obsession?

I couldn't help myself, not anymore.

"Do you trust me?"

It took me some time, I was contemplating. Those eyes, it is really hard for me to read. But, I smiled anyways.

"I trust you."

While we both watched over those fallen leaf, thousands of thoughts sneak in. It seems, I'll never be able to look at fallen leaf the same way before. With you.

His POV.

She laughed when I said that fallen leaf is magical. I'm seeing one, at that moment.

Mirroring her, I laughed over her obsession on the sky. She had this weird imagination where she said that behind those clouds in the sky, there is her Toothless. It's a fictional character, I bet from Disney? It was just a mere lightning, she knows that too.

Every time we walk along the pavement, she would tell me the figures that she sees in the sky. The clouds. That it looks like a dragon, a mouse, a kettle and some scenes I couldn't see it coming. Even a cotton candy. Her obsession over sweets too. 

I wouldn't realized that the sky would be as beautiful as the fallen leaf. I thought that sky, is just a sky. Is it because I was too focusing over one thing, that I missed the other things?

The sky. It never had the same blue, ever since that day. Just like the fallen leaf, it never dance the same rhythm with the winds. Them both, stand out beautiful in their own ways.

"He's beautiful isn't he?"

Caught off guard staring at the sky, I was flustered.

"It's a he?"

"I decided to, for it reminds me of.." she paused, "..starry eyes." 

Her smile. There's something in it, it is really hard for me to read.

Watching over the sky, my imagination sprouts. It seems, I'll never be able to look at the sky the same way as before. With you.

My rough draft on sky, I couldn't write it the same for there's always new things I want to add. Hmm.

Original draft of fallen leaf, do you ponder on the fallen leaf too?

Confusion

I think the more you run from facing a matter, might be a problem, might be the truth, might be an issue, the more it will pull you towards it. And I don't feel like running anymore. Not necessarily mean that I am courageous enough to face it. Honestly, right now, I'm terrified. Of the unknown. Of the decision I'm making.

But seeing how calm I am having to face this now, maybe it is worth trying? There is some part in me that is curious and thrilled on how this one would lead me to. But still I'm scared. There's a quote I've read that "If it makes you scared, then it is what you need to do". And I can't relate how does that makes sense in life? Does it sound like it makes sense? (And then I remembered that I hold to this one - Trust, even when it does not make sense - faith)

In just a short period of time, this unknowingly scene happened to me which I can't make sense at all. I would say this is too cliche. But, I would also say that the most important thing can't be told any less than cliche darling. It is how it work. You named it cliche, but that is how life works.

And I know when I can't make decision, I should make du'a. Prayers. A lot of it. I am not questioning why certain things happened to me anymore, rather than questioning, I would go searching for what does this trying to teach me. What is Allah trying to tell me? And it soothes me every time knowing that this should make me be a better version of myself.

I am confuse but I have Allah with me. Whatever He ease for me, then inshaAllah it is for the good of me. Honestly trying to console the heart is not easy, but you'll get through it by putting your trust in Him. The All Knowing.

I'll write more on how I discover of what does all this then bring me to (: