My happiness, yours? Mine?

"Have you got the news?" Aiden started talking after an hour of silence.

"Helloooooo.." He waved his right hand in front of Q's face and signaled to the airpods that Q's was wearing.

Q frowned and had a blank look on his face as if he did not understand a word of what has Aiden been saying.

Aiden signaled to the airpods, again. This guy in front of him, he never leaves his airpods. "Q the airpods" That is how he would describe his best-friend. They barely even talk whenever they hang out or doing the works together. But it still felt comfortable that way, strange.

"What is it?" Q asked while taking off his airpods.

"The news, have you got it?" Aiden repeated the question.

"What news?" Q had a puzzled face. There were a lot of things happening right now, with the Covid, the racism issues, the politics, the ustaz's issues and that one. So, which one?

Aiden sighed.

"You're making me anxious, what is it?" Q asked again. He dislike it when Aiden sighed for no reason.

"Bro, our semester been extended and we will have to stay at home until the end of the year. For God sake, online classes all year round. How can we survive that?!" Aiden talk his heart out, releasing his frustration while his hand grabbing onto Q's shoulder. Shaking him.

Q was shocked. He brushed away Aiden's hand, taboo, he did not like any physical contact. 

"That is it?" He asked. Aiden been acting weird lately. He has been, overreacting? Dramatic? Whatever you called it. He knows for sure that Aiden is an expressive person, a happy go lucky one, but, lately it seems off. He looks, like he was trying so hard, to be cheerful.

"Aid, you good?" Q asked, out of concern.

Aiden seems to be taken aback by the question, "I'm good, you good?" He asked back.

"I'm serious." Q had a serious look. He is known as the no-joke-at-all person. So, it did creeps Aiden out sometimes.

"Yeah, I'm good bro. Why?" He asked masking his emotion.

"Nothing." Q shake his head and put on his airpods back. He went back looking to his laptop, continuing his interrupted work.

Aiden smiled and went back on his reading too. Silence fill in between them, a peaceful one.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      * 

"I just want you to be happy."

"And I want you to be happy, too. You are not owned to make other people happy. Be happy first. You. Aid, I want you to be happy."

"You know I have no mean to burden you, I really want you to be happy."

"And my happiness is yours, it is yours all along. Guess happiness is subjective?"

"You really creeps me out. Where is Q? Give me back my normal Q." Aiden's eyes welled up with tears. He thoughts that he has managed to hide and masked it well. He never wanted to be a burden to anyone. Moreover, not to Q.

"It is nothing bro, it really is." Aiden try to talk to Q out of it.

"We may not have to talk about it if you are uncomfortable, but it is not nothing. I do not want to be that friend that will just hang out with you only when it is easy, I am here to stay. Come hell or high water." Q smiled while tapping on Aiden's shoulder.

"And I think we should stop bro, I am cringe myself." Q added.

Aiden burst out of laughter despite the tears. Flooding out. He wipes both of his cheeks with his bare hand. "I am sorry Q, never thought this would lead us to this. And, I never thought I would see this side of you." He smiled.

Q has always been cold. Expressionless. His face. None could figure what was he thinking whether he was just pacing or in deep thoughts.

"I am a human after all, let's go, see your dad." Q stand from the bench leading the way to the ward. Aiden followed his lead.

You know, one should only rely and expect from Him. Nonetheless, they will also, still, need the support and encouragement from the people around them. Aiden thoughts that he could handle things alone, not needing anyone and for that he would not be a burden. But little did he know that the people around him did not think it that way. Aiden is not a burden, he is their loved one. He is not a burden and so, he should try to open up with the people closest to him. Sharing his thoughts in life. Because they love him, Q loves him, although he appeared to be cold at times. Maybe Q too, need to adjust. He needs to maybe, smile more? and learn to express his thoughts too.

The cold gaze of Q, there is warm in it. He never really see it before. Q looked back as Aiden was not following him. Aiden was standing still, looking at him. He looked at him with that faint smile twisted his dark features and one brow arched quizzically. "What?" Q asked.

"Nothing." Aiden catches up with Q and they walked side to side to the ward.

This friendship, he hope it will last forever. He wish that they will grow old together, having their family and maybe their kids being friends with each other too. The thoughts of that, made him look even forward to living life. It felt like a huge weight was lifted from his chest.

Them both. What do you call this? Brotherhood?




Note: I did not know why am I writing this. The imagination just sparks when I saw two guys were fist bumps to each other that day and I was kinda feel, "That's cool!' Yeah I know, this mind never really stop thinking and imagining. But, that kind of friendship, I believe it does exist. It is cute! Really.

Swings.
It has always been my favourite plaything.

Hello Hi Assalamualaikum (:

Assalamualaikum, hello, hi (:

I was feeling a bit anxious this morning, until now. Honestly, I would not know why was it that I am feeling this anxious. You know, your heart just at times skips a beat or two. Been days actually, do I need to do the ECG test to examine whether maybe I had some heart disease or something?

And as if putting the salt to the wound, I had argued with the cockroaches! Argh how frustrating. I have already a few times cleaned and do all the clean up things but they have come back! Before this, it is that giant size and now it is their children kot? all those little cockroaches made me even anxious. Hmm. I have plan this evening, later after work I will go to the Village Grocer and buy than pandan leaves or maybe anything that could help me get rid of the cockroaches. Once and forever! I am so tired, I can't handle things creeping or untidy or messy place. Sound particular, am I? It is different when it is your own place, you feel a lot more being owned to the responsibility. Alright, done that, I don't even know what am I rambling about. Eheh.

Thus, I still feel anxious. Maybe I have sinned and still, a lot. That is the most logical explanation I have come with so far. What should I do? To calm this heart. It just feel uneasy that it made me mentally and physically tired. Help.

Dzikrullah and all, I know those stuff. Maybe, it is not enough. I don't know. Some things, you just feel uneasy without reason. It is not that I don't trust Him and His plan. Maybe, it is because I am just a human being. And, it is normal to feel this way?

At times, I feel stuck. You can't expect me to always have that positive thoughts and mindset, right? Maybe, this is one of my days. The days that I feel negatively embedded in life. Maybe? Maybe today is the day that I should just breathe easy, and maybe just doing that. Just for today.

Lend me some of your prayers, I need it. My heart needs it. This heavy feeling that I am feeling, may it fades away.

Under his spell

No.

I did not think that he fall under the good-looking-type. Am I being too frank? He is no way near to any of my checklist of soulmate-item. That is odd. To think of it, really. He is not likely to be the person that I have been searching for. 

Maybe, it is because he is pleasing to the eye. Neat, and he smells good too. I wonder what kind of perfume that he used. Because, I think it is likely to have cast a spell on me.

Maybe, it is the way that he styled his hair. I have grown adore of his hair, honestly I think I am weird. But, even when his hair is messy as in when he just woke up and straight goes to our video call routine, he looks fine to me. To be exact, adorable like a kitten. Those messy-after-woke-up-hair style reminds me of a kitten uhuh I know, it is getting weirder. I think I have been witched.

Maybe, it is his smile. Whenever he smile, it highlight the curve of his face. Chiseled face, he had a chiseled face. And those dimples deepened whenever he smile. As I was writing this, it seems like he is a good-looking type right? I am not sure myself. One thing that I am sure is that it felt like the time had stopped whenever I see his smile. Along with the fallen leaf that dance with the rhythm of the winds and the clear blue sky, he looks like a painting that I would hang on my room and stare at it all day long.

Maybe, it is his eyes that caught me off guarded. Those black brown eyes. It looks like the deep sea that I would voluntarily be engulf in it. Those eyes got me questioning of his time in this lifetime. I catch a glance of sadness in it that it draws me even nearer to him. I think I am enchanted by his eyes.

Maybe, it is the way that he talk. He did not talk much. He is more to the 'action speaks louder than words' kind of people. As in whenever we had our video call routine, we would not talk all the time. We would just minding over our own things with the screen acting as a bridge between us. He said let it be, let the screen on, just do our things and keeps going on our routine. 

"Just, let the screen going."

Maybe, that it is. Maybe it is the small yet seemingly sweet things that he do that made me feel like I am spellbound by him. Maybe, because words means nothing without action. And maybe his way of expressing his feeling, is the one that caught my heart.

Maybe, I was just under a spell. Just, maybe.

Note: I had this one written after replaying the "I love you" song and it somehow awaken those 'mood'. I may based on 'bintang', a bit. I might rewrite this back later on after I have find the reason (:

I do cherish the memory. 

Dreams

"You should release them now." a distinctive voice telling her , urging to do so.

As if she was spell-bounded, she looked down on her palms. There were a tadpole-like-creature in pea-size. There were several of it. They playfully circling on her palms. Instinctively, she draws them towards the sky and they flew away.

"They could fly?" she asked trying to find an answer to her confusion. No one answered, it is as if that question was meant for her own to answer.

Her eyes followed the traits of that creatures, that by then they abruptly turns into a gigantic dragons. The situation puzzled her more and more. Rather than feeling anxious, she was worried about them.

"Them? Why do I feel like they are dear to me?" questions keep surfacing in her mind.

Far from where she stood, she saw mankind. Like herself. Coming towards the cliff, facing the dragons. Her dragons.

"Are we, at war?"

She was sure that this is a dream, it does not make sense. Even the existence of dragons, does not make any sense. She convince herself that it was a dream yet she could not wake herself up.

The war. It is still ongoing and then the dragons returned to her side. Changing, again. This time they were in human form. Men in black suit. They were wounded and so she rush to meet a young lady that she believed was some sort of a healer.  She need to meet the lady and ask her to treat the dragons.

That young lady had a frizzy hair, a bit shorter than her. She called her, healer. Healer had a dissatisfied looks on her face.

"Why was that?" she thought to herself.

This dream she was in, it looks like the people or creature in here, looks up on her. No one called her name so she was unsure what was her role in here.

And with the memories of healer, she woke up with those details in her mind.

"This is weird."

It was passed a day after her encounter with the dragons that she was engulfed into another dream.

The clouds was in black ink, it was dark as night. She did not like the vibes she felt. It was then that she realized that she, and her companion, a man figure was running away from a black-slimy-creature. They were in a total black and a figure that as if they were stretchable. She was hoping side to side of a several tall bricks trying to meet to the end of it. It was alarmous. Her companion, that man, grab her to the surface of the bricks where the black creature could not climb on however it caught her left hand. Biting on it.

The pain was excruciating that she wakes up holding her hand, trying to contain the pain. It was then she realized that it was a dream, a nightmare. Her lips trembled and her eyes welled with tears puzzled with what was happening. She was not certain of where she was right now, because of the pain she felt. Dream and her reality got all messed up.

Days passed on, those dreams still vividly remains in her mind. She never had that weird dreams since then, only a few dreams that seems normal as she was thinking about things lately. But, those two, truly left her puzzle to date.

It felt like as if she was travelling to Narnia - Harry Potter - Merlin - How To Train Your Dragon all at once. Maybe she had too much Disney and fiction movies, she tries to reason.

I think it is caused by too much of daydreaming, it can't be real. Can it? 

Lunch

"1:02 petang."

Minn memandang hujung kanan skrin komputer. 

"Dah masuk waktu lunch ni. Hmm." dia menengadah ke langit menembusi dinding kaca. Waktu lunch. Waktu inilah yang entah kenapa terasa seperti dirinya perlu membuat keputusan antara hidup dan mati. Isu lunch sahaja. Memang sejak tadi organ perutnya meronta-ronta minta diisi. Memang dia lapar. Memang itulah kenyataannya. Dia. Lapar. Cuma itulah, dirinya sejak kebelakangan ini sangatlah terlebih rajin untuk makan. Hingga pernah muncul dalam fikirannya,

"Kenapalah kita ni tak hirup udara then terus kenyang je?" Dia sendiri tahu apa yang difikirkannya itu hundred percent mengarut namun the what if it can be game kuat bermain difikirannya. Haihh.

Teragak-agak untuk berganjak dari duduknya, Minn terus menyambar tas tangan yang sengaja diletak di hujung kerusi lalu terus melangkah menuju ke bilik konsultasi. Dia mengetuk pintu bilik yang berwarna coklat dengan rona seakan kayu dan memulas tombol pintu lalu kepalanya menjengah ke dalam ruangan itu, teragak-agak menuturkan kata, 

"Dr, saya keluar sekejap ya."

"Okay." ringkas jawapannya.

Entah kenapa, Minn sendiri masih tertanya-tanya mengapa dan kenapa skipping meals be so guilt-ridden. Untuk dirinya. Terasa seperti membuat jenayah.

"Salah ke eh kalau tak makan lunch?" Minn berfikir sendiri sambil langkahnya pantas menuju ke pintu lif.

"Hmm..tingkat 3, Tealive!" teruja sendirian, Minn dengan ini membuat konklusi bahawasanya Tealive adalah salah satu kebahagiaan untuk dirinya, di dunia ini. Kot?

"Akak nak coco smoothies with oreo cookies tambah pearl ya, dengan bang bang milk tea ni. Guna code ni tau, yang buy 1 free 1 tu." laju bibirnya menutur pesanannya. Pesanan biasa, awal dahulu pening berbelit lidah mahu memutuskan perasa kegemarannya. Sekarang? ala-ala alah bisa tegal biasa. Boleh ke guna perumpamaan ni?

Usai pesanannya tersedia, Minn meneruskan langkahnya menuju ke Watson. Entah, dia terasa mahu mengambil angin. Ada yang menyesakkan fikirannya. 

"Mai, nah!" Minn menghulurkan bang bang milk tea kepadanya. Mai hairan, seingatnya dia tidak ada memesan tealive ataupun ada sebarang perbualan dengan kakaknya mengenai tealive.

Seperti dapat membaca fikiran Mai, Minn menjawab, "Kakak beli buy 1 free 1 tadi, okay lah nak balik sambung kerja."

Mai mengangguk tanda faham lantas menyambut minuman itu, dia kemudiannya terus menyambung rutin kerjanya.

Minn sambil satu tangannya memegang tealive, dia terus melangkah pulang ke klinik. Fikirannya ligat memikirkan hal yang satu itu, cuba ditepis namun tetap datang menjengah. Geram!

Setibanya di klinik, Dr Raf juga turut tiba daripada tingkat atas nursery sambil membawa semangkuk makanan. 

"Awak keluar tadi tak pergi makan ke?" pantas soalan itu dituju kepada Minn.

Minn ligat memikirkan alasan, untuk menipu seperti kurang bijak dan tiada keperluan. Error. No connection. Mindanya blank. Haruu..

"Saya keluar pergi beli ini. Hehe." dia mengukir senyum janggal sambil jarinya diarah ke tealive yang baru diletak di atas meja.

"Oh, dekat atas ada nasi goreng seafood, makanlah." Dr Raf menyambung bicara.

"Apa dia?" Minn minta kepastian. 

"Nasi goreng seafood."

"Sempat ke ni?" soal Minn.

"Minn, jam baru 1:30 petang. Apa yang tak sempatnya?" Fikirnya sendiri namun soalan itu sudah jauh meluncur keluar sebelum mindanya selesai memproses fakta yang satu itu. Terasa, bijak.

"Sempat, pergilah makan."

Makanya, titah disahut dan Minn pun mengambil tealive yang baru dibelinya itu dan disimpan ke dalam peti sejuk lalu terus melangkah naik ke nursery. Kesudahannya, lunch hari itu juga dia akhirnya makan di nursery, sebagai pelengkap syarat.

"Terlampau kenyang, terlebih kuota ni!" Minn merungut. Bukanlah niatnya menidakkan rezeki namun dia tidak gemar dengan keadaan terlalu kenyang, namun, apakan daya dengan Dr Raf, sangat sukar untuk dia menuturkan perkataan "Tidak.", "Tak nak", "Tak mahu".

"Dr Raf ada some sort of spell that he cast on me ke apa ni?" mindanya mula berfikir yang entahapahapa.

Thinking of it, Minn rasa it's Him. Dia sendiri sedar dia selalu mengabaikan waktu makan, her meals was not in a proper schedule to be exact. Mengalahkan doktor. Jadi, adakah Dia hantar Dr Raf to keep reminding her to Eat. Her. Lunch and take a  good care of herself?  Dan Dia hadirkan rasa serba salah itu untuk memaksa dirinya ini makan lunch?

Dia tahu jasad ini cuma pinjaman, rohnya sahaja yang dia miliki. Silap. Roh ini pun bukan miliknya jua. Ini pinjaman sementara. Dan Minn sedar, dia menggalas tanggungjawab untuk menjaga rohani dan jasmani jasad yang dihuninya. Fakta yang satu ini, itu yang sebenarnya memaksa dia untuk makan lunch. Dia risau akan dirinya. Dia risau equal to Dia sayang. Minn tersenyum sendirian, 

"Sweetlah Allah ni." dia menuturkan kata. "Thank you, I love you too!"

Lunch? Masih akan menjadi satu isu. Hahaha. Namun, Minn akan tetap cuba. Stick to the proper eating schedule. Makan untuk dapatkan tenaga untuk terus beribadah pada-Nya. Sungguhlah tiap-tiap manusia ujiannya berlainan. Untuk Minn, makan adalah ujiannya. Haru!

My fav! Coco smoothies with oreo cookies added with pearl. 

This is where I'm not diligent in writing on paper, see that? Makin lama makin berangkai kalah tulisan doktor. 

Sayang

"Lain orang, lain love language."

"Ada yang open verbally."

"Ada yang implement action speaks louder than words."

"Yang datang dengan both package, action and words pun ada."

"Dan ada yang totally clueless verbally and practically. Because of upbringing, maybe? Boleh jadi memang betul-betul clueless, sungguhlah yang ini if they are truly important to you, show them how to love and they'll eventually learn from it." 

I wrote about this because someone asked me,

"Did Allah hate me? He hates me? Because seemingly now the people around me, I could feel the love is fading?"

"Aren't the love of others for us is the indication of Allah's love towards us?"

I was getting this question when I, myself, was questioning this too. One thing that I realized was that whenever I ponder about something, Allah mesti dan mesti akan hantar someone for me to comfort. Isunya pula adalah apa yang I pondered for quite some time. And while I'm comforting other people, the words that I uttered to them, is the words and the answer that I seek all this while. Kelakar kan? Jawapan untuk semua persoalan tu ada je selama ni dengan diri sendiri, dan bila ada yang datang bertanya, minta pandangan, baru kita sedar the answer dah ada all along. Hmm.

Jawapan masa tu,

Kasih sayang Allah tak correlate dengan kasih sayang manusia. Tak semestinya bila kita rasa manusia sekeliling kita tak sayang dekat kita, itu tanda Allah pun dah kurang sayang dekat kita. The fact that kita terfikir benda ni pun dah menunjukkan yang Allah is giving His attention to us. And kalau dalam kehidupan kita, normalnya kita tahu kan, kalau diberi perhatian itu maksudnya seseorang tu sayang dekat kita.

Rasa orang sekeliling dah tak sayang dekat kita? Boleh jadi, sebab Allah rindu. Maka dibiarkan orang sekeliling menyisih kita. Supaya kita berlari balik semula, dekat dengan Allah.  Boleh jadi Allah nak pupuk kesabaran kita. Nak bagi kita peluang untuk 'upgrade level'.

"Isn't He is the Most Merciful? Think of this way, He is watching you, waiting for you to come back."

Human are bound to make mistakes. Our dear one too. Maka, bersabarlah. Mungkin mereka sedang keliru, mungkin mereka lelah. Ada pelbagai kemungkinan dan hipotesis sebenarnya. Tetapi, membuat andaian tu berbahaya. First law of universe, ask, never assume. Tak pasti la first law ke law ke berapa, tapi itu common sense kan? Tak tahu, tanya.

And I would heavily highlight on loving yourself, first and foremost, and if Allah wills it, the love of others would add up on your already owned happiness.

Dan bersabarlah, sabar pun tanda sayang,

"Dan berilah khabar gembira kepada orang-orang yang bersabar, iaitu orang-orang yang apabila mereka ditimpa oleh sesuatu kesusahan, mereka berkata: Sesungguhnya kami adalah kepunyaan Allah dan kepada Allah jualah kami kembali. Mereka itulah orang-orang yang dilimpahi dengan berbagai-bagai kebaikan dari Tuhan mereka serta rahmat-Nya." petikan surah Al-Baqarah ayat 155 hingga 157.

Penuhkan hati dengan rasa sayang pada Allah, inshaAllah itu dah lebih daripada cukup. Hati tu, terkadang rasa kosong, rasa tak cukup, rasa sunyi, bukan sebab apa pun, sebab kita jauh dari Allah. Allah tak pernah jauh dari kita. Allah adalah sebagaimana sangkaan hamba-Nya pada-Nya.

Talk to Him. He is near. Nearer than our jugular veins.

He always left me feeling amaze of the words He inspired in me. Like, I didn't know that I know this much until that moment happens. 

Coffee

"Life is like a cup of coffee or tea. No matter how bitter it may be, it is always enjoyable."

One would acknowledge that Minn and coffee cannot be put in one sentence, which I just did. Their relationship is quite complicated. Coffee had that addictive yet magical vibes towards Minn. So, Minn had an addiction towards it. If only the story ended there, but, addiction, it had great consequences that followed. Although the love for coffee is the type that you would be to the moon and back , Minn realized that it is slowly consuming herself. In a dreadful way. She took a step back and one would say, it was not an easy one. She contemplated a lot. 

Coffee. At times, Minn does go to visit it. That bittersweet connection. It never really ended, did it?

"Why do we always run to the things that eventually we know, it'll hurt us?"

"Why do the things we adore seemingly is not the best for us?"

"But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not." Al-Baqarah verse 216

I like coffee though, but, same, it's complicated. 

Writing

It is sunny in here as she is looking towards the glasses wall. At times the sun greet her with a soft touch of its rays. It felt warm.

There is this dying tree in front of her. It has its leaves all covered in golden brown. It is dying, yet beautiful, the view that she had. How can dying be beautiful? And then, there he is. Always walking passed her place, she wonder which unit is he in?

Tall figure, fair skin and glasses. He would fit to be her next muse for her writing, she thought to herself. But that, would be in the next writing, maybe. Maybe not. Just see how it goes later on.

Writing. She is not sure when does it started. Is it maybe it started because she feel like her voice was not heard? Or she was not sure on how to express her feeling verbally? Or maybe it started because writing is easier than voicing things out? Else, maybe because she learned about herself better through writing?

Whichever the reasons is, writing somehow, she discovered that it helps to silence her buzzing minds and soothes her tired heart. It helps her to calm the demon inside and writing, that "why" should stay that way. She write because she care for herself. And let that stay.

It helps her to recognize her true feelings, to describe the things that has been going on in her mind. It helps her to paint her feelings until it is describable in words. And seemingly, it turns out pretty well. She get to know herself better. What she likes and dislikes, how is she really is in person, how she act in person in different circle. She learned to identify those little details and traits whenever she write her confusion. She could see better through her writing than just looking by the mere eyes. Most importantly, she learned to love herself and know her worth.

She smiled while writing this. To see herself this way, she is becoming more and more to a person that she needed while she was younger. Good job myself uhuh, tapping on her shoulder giving herself encouragement. She also learned through writing that, she is her number one supporter. Of all people, she is. And He is, too.

Writing at times makes her observe people more, urging her to dive deep into someone mind. If she could, she would. There is always a hidden sadness in everyone's eyes. That is bothering her at times. Learning it, she know it is needed. That sadness, for if one does not own any of it, they would not know how to recognize or feel happiness.

Would not know where this is going to but, writing is a blessing, for her. A blessing that she wish to own for a lifetime.

I wish so, I wish to learn more about myself and fall for myself even more with time.

It always left me feeling emotional whenever I type things back. Writing and typing, it has a different vibes. I'd prefer writing over the paper, the crease felt, how the pen runs into it. It's a weird pleasure. 

Sky and Fallen Leaf

Her POV.

Fallen leaf reminds me of you. Especially that golden one, you said that it felt like autumn whenever they fall. You've always get head over heels over those fallen leaf, saying that it is fine for not having snow in here. As long as there's a fallen leaf. Seemingly, you'd prefer autumn over winter. 

Witnessing your obsession over fallen leaf, over years, and you laughed at me for obsessing over the sky?

Fallen leaf dancing with the winds. Some wanders to the sky and some, settle down on earth. That's what you said. I ponder on that, for quite some time to actually fathom it. You showed me that even those fallen leaf that has been grounded on earth for some time, could still wakes and play with the winds. They could even wander to the sky, again.

We both watched that, that day. Those leaf swirling and dancing with the winds, at that hidden corner we used to pass by whenever we walk along the pavement. I was amaze, to be honest. In that hidden corner, there's actually a winds? And you said,

"Everything is possible."

With that sneaky smile, and starry eyes, you looked at those fallen leaf with admiration, or should I say, obsession?

I couldn't help myself, not anymore.

"Do you trust me?"

It took me some time, I was contemplating. Those eyes, it is really hard for me to read. But, I smiled anyways.

"I trust you."

While we both watched over those fallen leaf, thousands of thoughts sneak in. It seems, I'll never be able to look at fallen leaf the same way before. With you.

His POV.

She laughed when I said that fallen leaf is magical. I'm seeing one, at that moment.

Mirroring her, I laughed over her obsession on the sky. She had this weird imagination where she said that behind those clouds in the sky, there is her Toothless. It's a fictional character, I bet from Disney? It was just a mere lightning, she knows that too.

Every time we walk along the pavement, she would tell me the figures that she sees in the sky. The clouds. That it looks like a dragon, a mouse, a kettle and some scenes I couldn't see it coming. Even a cotton candy. Her obsession over sweets too. 

I wouldn't realized that the sky would be as beautiful as the fallen leaf. I thought that sky, is just a sky. Is it because I was too focusing over one thing, that I missed the other things?

The sky. It never had the same blue, ever since that day. Just like the fallen leaf, it never dance the same rhythm with the winds. Them both, stand out beautiful in their own ways.

"He's beautiful isn't he?"

Caught off guard staring at the sky, I was flustered.

"It's a he?"

"I decided to, for it reminds me of.." she paused, "..starry eyes." 

Her smile. There's something in it, it is really hard for me to read.

Watching over the sky, my imagination sprouts. It seems, I'll never be able to look at the sky the same way as before. With you.

My rough draft on sky, I couldn't write it the same for there's always new things I want to add. Hmm.

Original draft of fallen leaf, do you ponder on the fallen leaf too?

Confusion

I think the more you run from facing a matter, might be a problem, might be the truth, might be an issue, the more it will pull you towards it. And I don't feel like running anymore. Not necessarily mean that I am courageous enough to face it. Honestly, right now, I'm terrified. Of the unknown. Of the decision I'm making.

But seeing how calm I am having to face this now, maybe it is worth trying? There is some part in me that is curious and thrilled on how this one would lead me to. But still I'm scared. There's a quote I've read that "If it makes you scared, then it is what you need to do". And I can't relate how does that makes sense in life? Does it sound like it makes sense? (And then I remembered that I hold to this one - Trust, even when it does not make sense - faith)

In just a short period of time, this unknowingly scene happened to me which I can't make sense at all. I would say this is too cliche. But, I would also say that the most important thing can't be told any less than cliche darling. It is how it work. You named it cliche, but that is how life works.

And I know when I can't make decision, I should make du'a. Prayers. A lot of it. I am not questioning why certain things happened to me anymore, rather than questioning, I would go searching for what does this trying to teach me. What is Allah trying to tell me? And it soothes me every time knowing that this should make me be a better version of myself.

I am confuse but I have Allah with me. Whatever He ease for me, then inshaAllah it is for the good of me. Honestly trying to console the heart is not easy, but you'll get through it by putting your trust in Him. The All Knowing.

I'll write more on how I discover of what does all this then bring me to (:

Reason

A reason to start anew.

Two years ago or maybe more, I don't even save that date in my mind.
I had a huge change in my life.
It feels like it is all shattered.
My dreams.
Not like that I like my current situation at that moment but it is getting even worse.
I was kinda lost.

My parent got divorce.
Not in a proper way.
I'm being the eldest, being questioned by the relatives.
Could you imagine how I feel?

Actually, I am so confused at that time.
There is too many feelings that I feel.
It makes me feel numb.
I feel nothing.
At that moment.
I don't feel sad nor happy.
I feel nothing.

I even question myself,

"Why do I have no feeling at all?"

People also questioned me the same thing. Like why didn't I do anything? Why do I do nothing?

It's kinda suffocating.

Maybe because I've seen it coming that I've already prepared for this?
I just think of how am I going to live after that. My siblings. How do I manage them?

Things getting worse when that happened, I am in my final year of studying. You gotta know final year is quite hectic, costly, time demanding. Yeah, eventually things get quite tensed. I had few resource, I had no one to be depended on.

And that, is the start of I met Him. Often. Than. Before.

When all THAT happened, I really am lost. Like drowning. When you're drowning, you're desperate for something for you to hold to. It get suffocating when the water start getting all over you. Slowly and slowly.

You feel so mad that you have nothing to hold.
You feel your life is on the edge.
You feel helpless.
You feel mad.

You shout for help but your voice won't just come out. It just won't. There are so many people there yet they can't see you drowning, they can't hear you seeking, yelping for help.

Yes, it is like drowning.
What I feel at that moment.
It is not that there is no one at that moment that I couldn't run for help.
But, I just trust nobody back then.
I feel everyone is the same.
Everyone is struggling with their very own struggle.
I don't believe in sharing my problems would lessen it either way.

And that is when I have no opt but to only rely on Him.

Years gone, and now I found that is such a beauty. If all of that didn't happened, I wouldn't be as totally relying on Him like I am doing now. It is not that I've reach that 'saint' or whatever level you called it. But, I learned that He is the ONLY one that I could count to. The one that I could ONLY TRULY TRUST in.

The journey ain't sweet nor it is romantic. It is fill with thorns, a lot of bleeding, heartache and all hurtful stuff you could name it. But, along the journey you could also feel the sweetness of it. Knowing all this is leading to the forever end. The reason you're here.

I may have yet a long journey to go. Maybe another 40 years? 20? 10? 1 day? a minute left? I don't know. Trying my best aren't still the best. Being weak is okay. But you still need to pull up yourself, gather the courage and wake up.

Life is hard. He did say in the Quran that we, the homosapiens, the human are made to be in hardship. And He will see who's between all of us is worthy of Him.

So let us prove to Him that we are worthy. Let embrace the tests He has and will give to us.
The more tests you're given.
The higher the level.
The more you get, the more you'll achieved.

Let us seek His love.
He does love you, He loves me and He loves everyone that ever existed in this whole galaxy.

You just gotta trust Him.
For because of the love He has for us, He wants us to learn to be stronger and stronger.

Be stronger.

You're born with it.
You have that strength within you.
Trust Him and most importantly, trust yourself.

Got a life to run! xoxo!

Do you still love me?

Assalamualaikum.

"Allah sayang nana lagi ke?"
"Kenapa Allah uji nana macam ni sekali?"
"Kenapa tak makbulkan doa nana?"
"Berapa lama lagi keadaan ni nak stay macam ni?"

Well, that's the young me questioning everything. Astaghfirullah, bila ingat balik rasa macam nak hempuk kepala tu. Tapi tak boleh salahkan dia juga. Dia masih muda. Masih mencari, yang version sekarang ni pun masih mencari. Mencari tujuan hidup. Not there yet, but reaching it.

You know, the fact that I'm studying in science scope somehow worsen the situation. Sebab tengok atau fikir dari perspective yang salah mungkin? Suka sangat mempersoalkan everything sampai terkadang tu mula meragui semuanya. Ya. Pernah lalui fasa itu. Bila ingat balik, rasa menakutkan. Macam mana boleh ada thoughts macam tu?

Contoh ada ayat yang cakap Allah itu ada dimana-mana, disemua tempat, dekat dengan kita. Kita? Kita tu means semua hamba ciptaan Allah la kan? So literally Allah ada di sisi semua hambaNya. Tapi Allah ada satu je? Dalam surah Al-Ikhlas mention kulhuallah hu ahad. Ahad. Satu.  Allah itu satu. So macam mana Allah boleh ada dekat dengan semua hambaNya?

I was getting into that questioning for quite some time. Sebab logik kita takkan mampu capai untuk memikirkan tentang kekuasaan Allah. Faham tak young me? And then I found some talk saying kita takkan mampu fikirkannya, ia melampaui batas akal kita. Dalam Al-Quran, awal surah Al-Baqarah ada cakap kalau Allah state macam tu, then it is what is is. Jangan persoalkan, ada sebab disebalik semua yang Allah katakan, sampaikan, tegah, galakkan. Ada sebabnya. A beautiful one.

Lepastu ada a talk I've listened years ago. Can't remember who gave it, it is on internet.
Kan kita faham cycle sebelum kita ada parent kita, sebelum parent kita ada grandparent kita, sebelum grandparent ada great grandparent kita and the cycle goes on. So, terfikir sebelum Allah ada siapa? TAK ADA SESIAPA ya. Allah tiada ibu bapa mahupun anak-anak. Seperti yang tertulis dalam surah Al-Ikhlas juga.

Sebab tu speech tu cakap Allah tu bukan dalam ruangan masa kita. He is out of the time zone. Untuk dicipta, semua kan memerlukan masa. Menggunakan masa. Nak cipta patung, kita ambil masa cipta patung tu. Siapa cipta patung tu? Orang. Siapa cipta orang tu? Umm. Untuk seorang bayi lahir, ambil masa 9 bulan 10 hari sebelum dia lahir. Macam mana kejadian bayi terjadi? Hubungan antara suami isteri. Macam mana proses tu lead pada terbentuknya zygote, embryo, foetus tu? Siapa buat? Umm. There must be a power Greater than all this kan?

Kalau tengok semua ciptaan manusia, semua ada kekangan masa. Terhalang oleh masa. Mengambil masa untuk siapkan sesuatu. Everyone mengejar masa, kejar deadline. Everyone tak boleh kawal masa. Nak time-travel ke getting back the lost time ke, tak ada siapa mampu buat (dalam television tu fiction semata). Siapa cipta masa? Someone Great. Allah. Jadi, Allah tu bukan dalam ruangan masa untuk kita fikirkan logik macam mana Dia cipta something something macam tu je. Tapi dulu selalu je fikir macam tak logik la boleh cipta something macam tu je kan? Ha sebab cerita dia memang tak boleh fikir secara logik la, logik kita ni tak tercapai, tak mampu capai the idea of Him.

Faham tak diri yang muda dulu tu dia punya overthinking tu berbahaya sebenarnya? Sangat.

I am an imaginative person. So I had imagine that we, the earth, the whole galaxy wrapped in time like in a bubble. And then Allah is outside that zone watching us in His unimaginable form. I do imagine Him like the light scattered all over places, everywhere that He could be with everyone. I have imagined it as simple as my mind can pursuit and I made it as simple as possible sebab tak nak minda ni terlebih fikir kang jadi gila pulak. I made it up since the whispering is getting too loud. The questioning. Coming up with that idea had slowly shutting all those whispers. Slowly, I learned to accept that it is what it is. Just have trust in Him.

I said 'slowly' as in a very slow motion like it take years for me to master this kind of thinking. And a lot of trial and tribulation of course!

Those calamities that fall upon me was like one after another. It came over and over again.
Because I look at it as a calamities, as a punishment.
I look at it in the wrong directions until I don't know when that He blossom the idea in my mind. Through many ways like talks I've accidentally heard, friends I've met, I've thinking of setting up my mind.

"Na, look at all this as a blessing in disguise."

"Look carefully na", I said to myself.

And since then, because maybe I have been bored of the situation I'm having, that it lead to this. I started to see things differently. Rather than questioning,

"Kenapa kau je yang kena?", I shifted it to "Kenapa bukan aku? Kalau bukan aku yang diuji, siapa lagi yang mampu?"

It sound like berlagak pun ada sometimes hahahaha but I don't care la it works kot hmm hmm.

Instead of,

"Allah tak sayang nana lagi ke?" to "Allah sayang sangat ni sebab tu bagi test ni, mesti nak bagi something ni alright fighting na! Don't give in to this!"

"Allah tak makbulkan doa nana ke?" to "Allah got something better than this for me, nana belum sedia lagi ni nak miliki impian tu sebab tu kena lalui beberapa phase lagi so that when the moments come I'll get fully prepared, yeah!"

"Berapa lama lagi keadaan nak stay macam ni?" to "Nana kena buat something to change this, biarlah small baby steps sekalipun, it is worth the try!"

You know, actually it is all about being postive. How it turn my life now, subhanallah I never thought I could be like this.

Being able to avoid drama (it is hard).
Being able to avoid negativity (I opt for backing off for some people is really irrational).
Being wiser than the young me. Not that I'm a lot wiser than anyone but I do know I'm a lot better than the young me.

I am not saying I'm all good now. That my faith has reach infinity, no. I'm still struggling. With a lot of personal issues. I fight a lot with the demon in me.

It is quite an achievement for me when I don't quite care what others been up to, having to compare my life with others, competing with others. I don't do that these days. Wow, I feel quite grown up hahaha.

Instead of being jealous, I tried to make my mind to just feel happy and pray for those people I'd admire of their success. Even if they're stranger. It feels good to pray for others. You should try too. Without them knowing you're praying for them. Things between you and Him, anything, if you want to keep it special, just, keep it between you and Him. See the difference.

I've always been scared of the idea of people thinking that I'm like a saint. Like I'm a good girl. It is scary. It felt like a huge responsibilities that I'm afraid to bear. Because I am no good girl. I have my bad days too and I still have it. I just don't show it off. But, knowing that He wanted me to show good attitude that reflect my religion, I've slowly accepting when people compliment me with those beautiful words and simply be grateful. Alhamdulillah. Not letting myself getting too immersed in the 'world', I've always remind myself that Allah put me in this situation, He took care of my 'aib' and so I should be grateful to Him. And only Him. For if it is wasn't for Him, I won't have this honor of being here.

So, it is okay for people to think good of you.
Say thank you, smile and pray for the same for them.
For each words, compliments we received is a dua'.
We never knew whose dua' has the ability to reach Him while He does reach for everyone.

And inshaallah someday, I'll be better and keep improving than my current me. Inshaallah by Allah wills and by my own efforts too.

So, if I'm saying,

"Masih sayang ke Allah dekat aku?"

I will answer it with "Yes.".

Dia bawa aku melalui jalan ini, dan Dia juga bawa aku keluar dari kegelapan ini.
Walaupun kadang tak mengerti apa semua ini, mengapa dan kemana arah patut aku tuju?
Percaya.
Percayakan Dia.
25 tahun hidup mengajar aku untuk just percayakan Dia.
Walaupun, even if it seems impossible, crazy, Dia boleh buat semua tu jadi possible.
Tak crazy pun sebenarnya.
Kau tu je overthinking na hailah.

Dan hakikat yang Dia beri keizinan untuk aku menulis tentangNya, berfikir tentangNya.
Itu pun cukup membuktikan yang Dia sayangkan aku.
Lagi Dia uji, lagi aku rasa terharu yang tak dapat digambarkan dengan perkataan.
Sayangnya Dia pada aku walhal aku ni kalau nak dibandingkan dengan yang lain.
Bukan siapa-siapa.
Tapi aku belajar, Dia cakap Dia sayang semua hambanya.
Dia buat semua hamba, makhlukNya tu istimewa dengan cara tersendiri.
Jadi, aku tahu aku special so aku just embrace the moments.

Not gonna denying all this.
But I love you too Allah.
Thank you for this life.
Those feeling I'm having.
Those happiness.
Those pain I've endured.
Thank you for keep reminding me that this world is temporary, sementara.
Thank you for reminding me that I'm just a traveller here.

I may not be able YET to contribute more, I'll learn how.
You know what, Allah loves us.
That's it.

Trust in Him, okay?
And you'll feel His love embracing you gracefully.

Till next time, xoxo!

Once, I am a teacher.

Assalamualaikum!

Harini rasa nak bercerita pengalaman jadi teacher dekat salah satu tadika di Kuala Lumpur la. Tiba-tiba je kan? Biasa la, dalam hidup ni semua benda memang terjadi secara tiba-tiba. Hehe. Happened early in 2018. Rasanya dalam awal february macam tu. I quit my job as quality control executive (on other post nanti kita cerita pengalaman jadi QC pulak hehe) and a week after that dapat offer as teacher. Alhamdulillah. Masa tu memang tak nak menganggur lama so grab apa yang ada je. Sis bukan memilih orangnya (konon) hahahaha.

Long story short, terus start kerja. I do have many younger sibling so macam quite okay je dengan budak-budak. Takde lah allergic tapi handle siblings dengan anak orang lain tu sangat berbeza ya. Macam nak kawal tu ya ampun rasa macam,

"Boleh ke marah ni?"
"Boleh ke jerit kat anak-anak ni?"
"Macam mana nak dapat attention ni? Nak kena jadi singa ke?"

Jadi for the first 3 months tu agak struggle but then for the next 6 months ya! I've become their favourite teacher. Uhuh. Believe it or not senang je sebenarnya cuma sabar tu kena ada.

Everytime nak mengajar, I put myself as a student. How would I want to be treated? And of course dengan penuh kasih sayang. Haha. Tapi marah dan tegas tu PERLU barulah your anak-anak menjadi insan yang berdisiplin lagi bersopan santun serta menghormati orang lain. Gituh!

At first, kenal nama mereka. Slow talk. Jangan paksa. Kalau tak nak makan pun biarkan dulu (tak bererti tak bagi makan terus ya hahahaha kejam sangat tu). Slow slow try suap kat mereka. Selalunya ugut jela cakap,

"Nak balik tak? Kalau nak balik kena makan dulu tau.."
"Teacher call ummi cakap tak payah ambil la kalau tak makan ni.."

It works every single time!
Memanglah mereka akan balik jugak tapi kids kan tak tahu, dia percaya je teacher ada kuasa veto hehe. Then bila mereka dah merasai nikmat makan di tadika, slowly they'll adapt dan makan juga bersama-sama rakan yang lain. Tak perlu marah-marah, teach them wisely. Selalunya yang patut dimarah ni yang terlalu aktif, nakal dan membahayakan diri serta anak-anak yang lain. Kes macam ni kena marah sampai nangis lepastu bagi dia muhasabah diri. Kalau dia tantrum, biarkan sampai dia tenang. Tak boleh selalu sangat pujuk sebab kids dia akan dapat mindset yang,

"Oh, kalau aku tantrum, mengamuk, aku boleh dapat apa je aku nak."

Dan mereka akan berdrama lagi pada masa hadapan. Serious talk. So biarkan je dia tantrum, biar mereka belajar yang tak semua dalam dunia ni kita boleh dapat. Tak semua benda kita boleh buat (iaitu perkara tak menyenangkan di mata orang lain). Haaa, macam tu. Memang agak membingitkan telinga dan memeningkan kepala tapi sememangnya itu cara terbaik untuk mengajar mereka. Biar pening kepala sekali daripada pening berkali-kali kan? Buat macam ni, biarkan anak-anak dengan tantrumnya sampai mereka sendiri bosan dan penat nak berdrama hahahaha. Lepastu give up dan mereka akan dah tak nak berdrama. Okay, drama still ada tapi kuranglah. Tapi jangan lupa counterback, pujuk semula selepas mereka tenang daripada tantrum. Masa selepas tantrum, mereka lebih terbuka untuk berfikir. Kebiasaannya begitu. Beritahu mereka kenapa mereka tak boleh buat demikian demikian, kenapa tak boleh beli mainan sekian sekian. Bercerita dengan mereka. Mereka takkan faham selagi kita tak jelaskan. Sama la macam isteri yang merajuk dengan suami, suami takkan tahu kenapa kalau si isteri tak bagitahu sebabnya. Lebih kurang macam tu lah konsepnya.

Itu tips harini. Hahaha. Alahai rindu dekat anak-anak. Setahun lebih jadi teacher then berhenti atas sebab peribadi (cliche hahaha).

Sis la teacher yang paling disayangi tau (oleh anak-anak kelas sendiri dan beberapa anak kelas orang lain hehe). Tak tahu la mungkin sebab diri sendiri still keanak-anakan atau awet muda eh perasan haha tapi satu jela dengan anak-anak ni kita pun kena jadi budak-budak. Kena suka sakat mereka, saja buat-buat kurang pandai supaya mereka boleh betulkan silap kita. Kena cuba dalami dunia mereka. Selalu menyakat tu sis la sampai anak-anak pun suka sakat sis. Tiba-tiba rasa macam rakan sebaya dengan mereka hahaha.

Anak-anak itu manusia sama macam kita. Kena ingat tu. Mereka pun ada perasaan dan hati. Mereka memang kecil, namun bukan bererti mereka tak berfikir seperti kita. Ada yang wiser dari kita yang dewasa ni tau! Oleh sebab itu, macam mana kita layan bergurau senda dengan kawan-kawan yang sebaya dengan kita, macam tu jugalah kita kena layan anak-anak. Cuma penggunaan kosa kata dan topik itu sahaja sedikit berbeza.

Anak-anak kecil ni boleh fikir. Siapa yang betul ikhlas nak berkawan dengan mereka, siapa yang tak. Sebab itulah kita sebelum nak dekatkan diri, nak approach mereka kena set balik niat tu. Lepastu sama macam kita, kita nak kawan yang boleh mendengar cerita dari kita ataupun kawan yang tak kisah pun nak dengar apa yang kita nak ceritakan? Mestilah nak kawan dengan orang yang nak dengar cerita kita kan?

Haaaa, sama la macam anak-anak ni. Mereka ni fasa suka bercerita, percayalah, banyak sangat perkara yang mereka curious dan excited nak cerita. Walaupun dah berkali-kali cerita, tetap nak cerita lagi. Jadi, sebagai teacher ataupun sesiapa lah, jadi pendengar yang baik. Macam tu lah nak tackle hati mereka. Beri perhatian.

"Tapi macam mana nak beri perhatian kalau ramai anak-anak, pelajar? Tak ke tak terlayan tu?"

Betul. Ini adalah struggle yang sis hadapi awal-awal. Macam rasa bersalah pun ada sebab tak dapat nak layan semua. Semua nak bercerita walhal cerita yang sama berulang kali. Tahu apa yang sis buat? Nak bagi adil, sis jawap semuanya sekali tetapi cut cut la conversation tu. Contoh ayat yang selalu sis guna:

"Oh yke, lepastu?"

then bagi dia cakap kejap, lepastu cut...

"Kejap tau qisya, ni danisha nak cerita, teacher dengar dia kejap tau.."

then dengar cerita danisha pula lepastu cut..

Ulang lah proses tu. Kita bukan tak nak mendengar cerita tapi kita bagitahu mereka yang rakan lain juga nak bercerita. Bagi rakan lain peluang. Disini juga kita mintak izin dulu supaya mereka tahu kita ada orang lain yang perlu kita perdengarkan ceritanya.

Proses ni berulang. Dalam masa yang sama tahu tak kita dah mengajar anak-anak ni untuk hormat rakan mereka, bertolak-ansur ambil giliran bercerita dengan rakan-rakan. Kadang-kadang tu ada yang backup cakap,

"Tadi kan qisya dah cerita, bagilah alisya cerita pulak.."

Haa pulak, dekat sini mungkin qisya tu dah rasa macam tak best. Rasa bersalah. Jangan kita biarkan keadaan ni macam tu je. Counterback balik, cakap dengan qisya,

"Qisya, bagi kawan lain cerita dulu. Nanti teacher dengar cerita qisya pula. Okay? Qisya good girl kan?"

Dan ya, qisya mengiyakan. Tak perlu marah pun, cakap elok-elok. Anak -anak ni pun macam kita juga suka ditegur secara baik. Mana ada manusia yang suka disergah bila buat salah kan? Dan ini jugalah antara sebab anak-anak akan lebih sayangkan kita. Walaupun pernah dimarah, ditegur, tetap juga dia cari teacher tu. Sebab apa? Sebab kita dah terapkan awal-awal yang teacher marah sebab sayang. Teacher nak mereka jadi orang yang hebat, sebab itu lah teacher tegur. Supaya jadi good boy, good girl. Ummi baba sayang. Haa, gitu mainan psikologinya.

Ceritakan dekat anak-anak ini kenapa, mengapa, bagaimana. Barulah mereka faham. Kalau kita tegah itu ini tak boleh dan tak beritahu the reason behind, macam mana lah tak terjadinya salah faham. Huhuhu. Dengan anak-anak ni dah serupa bercinta pun ada.

Oh, ada seorang anak sis yang betul-betul attached dengan sis sampai tak bagi sis kahwin. Sayangnya tu sampai tak nak bagi anak-anak lelaki yang lain terutamanya dekat dengan sis. Attached sangat-sangat. Adam Aqil namanya. Rindu pada yang seorang tu. Next post inshaallah cerita tentang Adam pula. Huhu.

Okay, itu je perkongsian untuk harini. Selamat berpuasa, till next time inshaallah! xoxo!

I'm sad ):

They say if you get extremely happy, you'll get sad the next day. I don't get where the logic is but here I am, experiencing it. Again. Maybe it just prove that nothing remain forever, happiness and sadness. Both.

Currently I'm feeling a little sad. I rarely write when I'm in a good state. Sadness bring myself to write. You know what, I am currently writing now and then thinking of what is it that makes me feel sad, I suddenly lost cause. And the feeling slowly fade. That's writing to me. Never underestimate the power of writing (:

I had a strong urge to write just now but now where have they been??! The feelings comes unexpectedly, just before I think they've gone, they come back. Again. I'm tired ):

What should I do? This mood swings is killing me. I wanna sleep all day long but then sleeping is wasting my time. I hate wasting time, they made me feel useless. I'll get sad over that too haha silly me.

There's a lot I wanna change. If only I could walk the talk. Talking is easier than doing it on your own. Maybe I was just feeling insecure about my life. I need to find a good place where I feel I belong, where I feel it so stable that I wouldn't mind of anything else. Where can I find that?

Hi.

Hey! It been ages since I write my thoughts here. Wow, how time flies. I had reread back my previous ranting. Hahahaha young soul. What are you mumbling about?

Let's just talk about what has been lingering in my mind for this quite some time.

How's life been treating me?

Well. Obviously, not as bad as I expected. If you were comparing of what my young self would think back then, not bad. Just, alhamdulillah for the progress. I'm still alive. Still progressing. Everything is moving, moving on.

Am I satisfied?

Honestly? I'm not. Trying to be satisfied but I yearn for more. Implementing the concept of being grateful isn't as easy as it seems. Am I right? There's always more that you'll be expecting. Haish. Ungrateful little me!

How am I coping?

What?! Kena dipaksa la kalau tak memang tak jalan. If I wasn't forcing myself, I'd ended up not being my present self for sure.


The key was, time. No matter how many questions you have about life, the mystery, the reasons you've been searching, it is time that will decide. To reveal each of its answer. Just be patient. And behave, most likely this would be the hardest part. To behave. So basically I just stick myself to good people, the one that will lectured me with a logical reason. That will straighten up my mind. I am still stubborn, just like the young me. Just hit me with facts, I'll straighten back Inshaallah.

I was thinking. Maybe I should write here instead of mumbling all over the socmed, this seems exciting. I wanna write more later! Hahahaha.

Let's just mengata, bergosip over here. Putting a nickname for people so it won't be so harsh. Auch! What are you thinking?! Hitting myself on my head, Don't. Even. Think. About. It.

But....I'll do it anyways.

Eccedentesiast

Got so much more inside. How can a person feel all those things? They'll explode.

Yearning to die so much yet so much more that hold them back.
Maybe because life isn't all about oneself?
It's about others too?
About how you make people feel about themselves?

I think life is about selfless.
It's all about love that you convey throughout your life.
The impact you leave on people's lives.
Those marks.

Happiness isn't necessary to be yours.
It doesn't necessary that you're the one who feel it.
Seeing people happy and you're the reason why is something worth it.
Maybe, it doesn't necessary whether it is you are the reason for their happiness or not.
Maybe, it is how you feel for others.
Maybe, those feelings that you feel when they're happy.
And you just feel happy for it.
For them.

It is what makes you.
For not letting envy, hatred control your life.
For being happy for other people happiness.

Why can't people just pray for others?
Why is it always need to be you?
Why is it so important to be the center of attention?
Why do you always think only for yourself?

Observing people and revolve around of them.
It is sometimes suffocating.
To learn on their mind.
To know things from their perspective.
It's exhausting.

Overly critical.
Too much thinking.
Things like this, it's uncontrollable.
The soul is tired.
And none could lessen those tiring soul.
Not even sleep.
How can sleep be enough for a tired soul?

Been doing so much thinking that it is so exhausting.
Do we really need to have a reason to be nice?
What is wrong with this mind nowadays?

I can't lie that it's hurt to see people like this.
There's so much more out there.
Yet, they only focus on one thing.
That the one I think is not necessary now.
No.
Not while they are still in their age.
For now.

You don't really need love from a stranger.
You don't really have to wait for that little thing called love to heal you.
You got yourself.
How come one could expect another soul being that might be broken too,
to heal their's?

If you expect so much more,
then I have nothing to offer.

Encik Galah Panjang Saya

Assalamualaikum holla!

Hahaha lama menyepi menandakan diri ini busy hokay?
Okay okay jom mula gosip. Mana nak start ni?
Hal kerja tolak tepi, bosan cliche benda sama kan. Hal fyp? Hmm tepikan jap itu pun cliche. Mari kita melagha memikirkan hal dunia. HAHAHA.

Encik galah panjang saya pakai speck cerah cerah orangnya. Jaga diri awak. Okbai. The end.

Tak tak tipu je, panjang ceritanya. Tapi ada lah, kita hold dulu cerita ni okay? Sumber inspirasi dekat U. Memain jela. Yang serius? haaaa yang tu lagi lagi lah kena hold, simpan cerita dengan yang tersayang je dulu.

Oh well how life treating you?
Life?
Life agak kejam tapi saya ni penyabar orangnya jadi sangatlah bersabar dengan layanan 'life' ni. Ngee. Haru aku gila memalam ni. Cuti midsem dah start ni. Kali ni kita food hunting ke kelantan!!!! Yeahh!! Ada orang tu nak jodoh huntingggg. Wuwuwuuuu.

I rasa sejak dua tiga hari ni perasaan berbunga bunga, I tak tahu kenapa? Takut je rasa pepelik ni. Hormon tak stabil ke apa? Hahaha senget lah!

Tak tahu nak taip apa but I still feel nak typing typing. Alololo gediknya aku malam ni, mood hantu mana masuk badan ni hoi! Anyway, banyak aktiviti lah sem ni. Rasa nak separuh nyawa je tapi apa je aku buat ae? Hmm hmm hmm.

So supportive! So prihatin rasa terharu. Rasa nak buat husband and wife je semua yg caring tu hahaha tapi mana boleh. Not possible. Tu gila namanya na. And as I keep counting, tinggal months before semua separate ikut haluan memasing. I'm gonna miss you guys macam orang gilak! Siapa nak dengar diri ni membebel memanjang lagi nanti? tempat baru mangsa baru? hahaha siap lah yang jadi mangsa diri membebel. Hehehe.

Cara taip macam talkative sangat je, bila jumpa senyap. Kenapa? Hello makcik pakcik, takkan lah first time jumpa expect kita ni pap! Cakap non-stop macam bullet? Hahaha. Friendship do take time, any relationships too. For me la. It's not easy to be open up with people. You never know what they'll do once they know your flaws right? Eh? Macam nak ke arah emo je ni. No no no, no emo emo sayang. Nak berjalan kan esok?

Jom dapatkan mood lovey dovey balik. Yang penting photoshoot!! Hiks. Dah jom tidurkan diri. I'm gonna be so so gilak esok and the next day. Ahad will be in Johor back to my lovelies. Siap lah lepas rindu habis habisan lepastu kita struggle habis habisan with all those hal duniawi yang menyesakkan kepala tuh!

So night? I'm gonna update soon. To that person, you'll always and always ada kat celah hati ni. Jaga diri di mana sahaja ceruk dunia awak berada. Jangan lupa balik! Jangan workaholic! eh eh geli je caption hahaha harraz naufal version specky. Yke specky? entah. Tralalalala~

"When you feel ease with someone, he or she might be the one."

Knight

"Kau dah kenapa?"

Mata DN masih tetap terlekap pada dirinya. Haru jugak budak ni, aku salah cakap ke apa. Apa aku cakap tadi? Hah aku lagi haru, apa aku cakap tadi?

"Gila." DN menggeleng kepala sambil memandang Q'd. "Sah psikik".

"Hoi hoi apa kau merepek ni? Salah makan ubat ke? Ke tak makan ubat lagi ni? Nak aku belikan ubat tak ni?"

Risau Q'd dengan kelakuan DN. Budak ni bukan boleh. Kalau merapu sampai ke sudah, balik rumah nanti entah tetiba whatsapp merengek ada je tak kena.

Haihh. DN, DN. Q'd menggeleng sendiri tanpa sedar. Memang kebiasaannya macam tu lah bila DN dah muncul mood merapu dia.

"Kau ingat eh semua tu? Gila la. Aku je lupa."

Tergelak DN bila Q'd keluarkan semua fakta tentang diri dia yang dia sendiri dah lupa. Gila.

"Q'd, kau dah macam buku sejarah hidup aku doh! Scary pun ada aku dengan kau. Hahaha..."

Tapi, scary scary pun. Aku terharu. Huwaaaa, why you make me so terharu why why? Hahaha DN dah start dah dia punya drama queen. Dalam kepala entah berapa imaginasi berjela menunggu untuk diolah.

"Aku tahu kau terharu." Sambung Q'd. "And aku tahu time span memory kau tu singkat sangat, tak sampai 30 seconds pun kan? Haihh."

Q'd menggeleng kepala dengan keluhan yang dibuat buat.

"Hoi! Campak kau kelaut nak? Sesedap rasa seenak bicara je cakap time span memory aku singkat." Marah DN. "Tapi hmm betul lah tu, hahahaha."

Gelak DN tak dapat ditahan, haruuuuu. Dua kepala ni bila berlaga, entah apa apa jadi. Sindir menyindir tu dah jadi makanan ruji dalam perbualan dyorg. Tapi tu lah yang bestnya tak pernah lak nak rasa terkecil terbesar terkembang hati ke apa.

"Q'd."

"Hmm? Apa dia?"

"Hmm."

"Apa?"

"Emm."

"Eh budak ni, nak apa?"

"Kan best kalau kau ni abang aku."

Ek ena betullah budak DN ni dah masuk mode merapu dia.

"Tak nak aku jadi abang kau. Asyik dengar kau merengek tiap hari, silap haribulan kena pakai hearing aid."

"Sampainya hatiiiiii." DN acah menjauh hati.

"Sampai je. Tu sampai dah, nampak tak?" Sambil jari telunjuk Q'd menghala pada dada nya. "Nampak tak?"

"Kau ni kan, eh geram pulak aku. Best apa kalau kau jadi abang aku. Kebajikan terjaga, jangan risau." DN mengenyitkan mata sambil membuat gaya ala fighting drama korea.

"Tadi cakap nak campak aku kelaut lepastu sekarang sembang cakap kebajikan terjaga? Are you serious DN?" Q'd membawa matanya ke langit. Sah budak ni.

"Alaaa, aku gurau je pun."

Merapu dia tak boleh stop.

Q'd dengan DN ni kalau jumpa, berbual memang kelaut. Tak nampak end point, starting point dengan turning point perbualan dyorg. Kalau orang masuk conversation dyorg pun confirm sesat tak jumpa jalan keluar.

"Tapi serious la Q'd, kan best kalau kau jadi abang aku."

Mata ditala ke padang bertentangan dengan tempat lepak mereka berdua.

"Aku rasa, selain Dia dengan Pa'e. Kau antara orang yang faham aku. Kot ke kau acah acah buat faham dengan aku tu tak tau la."

Q'd mengalih pandang ke DN. Muka DN tidak beriak, tak pasti apa yang sedang dirasakan si DN. Dia menunggu DN menghabiskan ayatnya.

"Kan best kalau kita sama uni. Boleh aku ajak kau sembang sampai kelaut. Penat doh."

Penat? Q'd tersenyum. Faham akan pengertian kosa kata penat DN kawan sengetnya itu.

"Kalau aku sama uni dengan kau then kita sembang sampai kelaut, time bilanya kau nak study? Aku takde je dah susah nak study, ni lagi aku sama uni. Haruuu."

Q'd dah terbawa dengan imaginasi. Kalau betul mereka berdua satu uni? Haru. Haru.

"Heh? Hailoh hailoh. Yela nasib baik kita tak sama uni. Hmm."

"Apa dia kau ni DN?"

"Aku jumpa dia haritu."

"Dia?"

"Dia."

"O.....kay, dekat mana? Apa dia buat sampai kau masuk mode drama queen petang ni?"

"Dekat Mpark, masa aku sight-seeing tengok bebudak sakan main roller blade. Takde buat apa."

Acah konon nak tenangkan fikiran hari tu tapi makin serabut adalah. Mindanya kembali pada kejadian minggu lepas. Dia. Entah dah berapa bulan tak bertegur. Dua dua senyap guna bahasa mata bila jumpa. Heh? Memang aku belajar lah bahasa mata dekat sekolah dulu. Dalam banyak banyak orang dekat Mpark tu kenapa lah boleh pulak jumpa.

"Haihh." DN membetulkan letak tudungnya. Dah macam burung woodpecker je tajam ke depan tudung si DN.

"O..kay, sebab dia takde buat apa apa lah kau jadi macam ni?"

Q'd menahan gelak. DN sedar akan perubahan riak muka Q'd.

"Kau kan. Hahaha. Kot la? Bila kau tanya ni, aku pun baru nak terfikir kenapa. Cell cell otak kurang berfungsi kebelakangan ni. Hmm."

"Dah dah, jangan mengeluh. Tak elok."

Tapi kenapa dia? Ke aku je banyak fikir? Ke macam mana? Ke? Kepak kepung kepak kepung. Gahahaha. Parah kau ni DN. Halahhh, apa ni. Huwaaaa aku tak faham aku.

Q'd berkerut melihat DN tersenyum sendiri. Dah pulak budak ni. Tadi kemain mode sedih frust macam kena reject dengan S.Y kesayangan dia tu, ni dah mode senyum angau dah kenapa?

"Hoi! Apa ke senyum sorang sorang. Makruh tahu?"

"Oh mak kau! Qairul Dani Bin Mohd Isa. Aku wing guard laviosa kau baru tahu. Janganlah sergah macam tu, nasib takde sakit jantung ke apa." DN mengurut dadanya. Tersedar dari lamunan dek penangan sergahan Q'd. Malu sendiri, confirm kantoi senyum sendiri. Ah lantak! Q'd je pun.

"Nur Dianne Binti Shahril, dah awak tu tersengih sorang sorang macam apa. Saya ni niat baik nak bawak awak balik ke alam nyata. Ada faham? Dah. Jom."

"Pergi mana?"

"Coolblog." Q'd berdiri dari tempat duduk. Dia mengatur langkah ke arah keretanya.

DN refleks berdiri. "Serius? Yeahhh! Sayang aku kat kau naik satu anak tangga harini!"

Q'd menggeleng. Senangnya lahai si DN ni sayang kat orang, siap label berapa anak tangga. Kalau aku ni agak dah sampai anak tangga ke berapa?

"Q'd, betullah."

Mereka berdua mengatur langkah ke arah kereta honda civic putih di balik pohon.

"Apa yang betul?" Q'd berkerut melihat DN.

"Betullah best kalau kau jadi abang aku. Hee." DN tersenyum pada Q'd. Rasa macam ada abang betul.

"Yelah DN, yelah. Penat aku layan kau ni, Sampai sabtu depan pun tak habis."

"Coolblog dua kak. Chocolate pearl. Eh, saya nak coffee." Q'd segera membuat order di kaunter.

"Kak, tengok dia ni." DN menala hujung bibirnya ke arah Q'd.

Dah sudah. Jadi jadi la tu DN oii. Dengan akak kaunter ni pun kau nak buat kawan ke?

Kakak kaunter tu berkerut.

"Dia ni knight saya. Ngee..."

DN!! Haru budak ni.

Repel Technology

I literally repel technology!!!

No cell phone, no text-ing, whatsapp-ing, call-ing and other related -ing.
For days!! By all means.

Sesaje? Tak jugak, hahaha tapi macam ada jugak sesaje nak out from technology. Cari apa? Cari ketenangan. Tapi lepastu teringat patut handle sorang prospect untuk appointment this weekend and my owner JJ tu tak siap handle, exco lagi tak settle task.  Wahahaha nangis dalam hati lah memang. Tanggungjawap tu weh kau nak cari ketenangan pun, tanggungjawap tu jangan tinggal na.

Hailoh hailoh ni tak tinggal la ni, baru teringat. Is it count? Heheh..

But all the numbers ada kat phone, alaaaaaaaaaaa. Rasa nak bertukar jadi erra-saurus mengalahkan segala jenis dinousour dah ni. Nak marah! Hahaha lama sangat phone tu kau baiki oiiii. Tapi ada je rasa malas nak menghubungi sesiapa. Nak escape! Tapi macam tak boleh je. Hmm.

Apa ke komitmen ni? Getting older aite you mate? Haha. Older lah sangat. Tapi memang rasa komitmen makin banyak. Nak main main dah bukan masanya lagi ni. You've grown up girl. Act like one.


"Kalau dah tanggung, kena jawap. Tu namanya tanggungjawap."


                                                                                                                        0:24 | 03/02/2016